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 Act 7 Scene 2: Two Dead Hoofers and the Harlot's Tune.

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PostSubject: Act 7 Scene 2: Two Dead Hoofers and the Harlot's Tune.   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:45 pm

While Steve and Crew were bickering over nonsense somebody walks onto the main-stage.

Crew: Look out, it’s that smug TV physicist, he was there when I got hypnotized at that event with the pink laser.

Steve: Oh no, not that guy. By the looks of it, things can only get worse.

Brain Cocks: Hello Hype-Aid! How are you doing? I’ve come here today to ask you a very important question. He pauses for effect and allow his audience to gather their wits. What if communication with a confirmed deep space intelligence were announced? Here and now? What would you say? What would the world say? Are we ready for it? Are you ready for it? Ask yourself. He pauses for a moment, there are cheers and whistles someone shouts ‘beam me up Spotty’

When we meet those extraterrestrials who will speak for us? Amongst the jostling voices of senators and photogenic actors up for the role of spokesperson for mankind, there will be the usual platitudes about peace and candor and admittance of past cultural wrongs and blaming it all on superstition and religion but can we really blame the crimes of humanity on superstition and religion? There is another pause. Yes, in fact we can, of course we can. There are whoops, cheers and applause. We are heading to a new world, a new world with no God or Gods, no right or wrong and nothing to hold us back from the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom, soon, we will meet our new friends from space. In fact, we will meet them..  he pauses again today! There is a sudden uncertain silence in the crowd. You are afraid of the unknown, but there is no need to be afraid, they are our friends. Friends that want to help us achieve our maximum potential and become what we destined to be. They are going to help us with our evolution. We will meet them soon. 

There is an awe-struck and expectant silence which has filled the arena, the whistles and cheers have stopped, nothing can be heard, Brain Cocks suddenly changes the tone and says breezily Until then, let me introduce you to my human friends, my other friends PLL have had to cancel due to a sudden and unexpected loss of magical manna and have been rushed to hospital in an emergency condition, our thoughts are with them and we wish them a speedy recovery, so my other friends The Randy Teddy Bears are going to step up and fill their slot.

The Randy Teddy Bears get on stage which is a rapping outfit who wear furry teddy bear costumes. The singer starts rapping.

Randy Teddy Bears:

I treat children like adults and adults like children,

But I don’t stroke stray dogs I just kill them,

Because I’m with Animal Friends like the Process,

For animals nobody wants we make sacrifices

Animals are good for juicing, but babies are better,

But I keep it from my mom because it would only upset her.

And it makes me strong, I’m like Crowley, I can see your weak spot,

Noone can resist me, you can give it your best shot,

There’s no one pure enough who can close me down, 

And no one is free of fear, not even the killer clown,

I fear no one, not even God,

When we're hanging out on My Little Pony GMOD 

We got Teddy Bear skins so we can groom,

But then Admin came to kick us out of the room,

But I know what they hiding so I called up the cops,

So CP came and broke down his door and busted his locks.

Crew: Hey look, no it can’t be, yeah I’m sure it is, it’s John! He spots one of the roadies scurrying onstage to plug to mess about with a faulty keyboard lead.  

Steve: He definitely looks like a bit like him.

Crew: Is it John? It is, It definitely is. How’d he get up there?

Steve: God knows, but he looks the part.

Crew: Yeah but where’d he get the moustache?

Steve: Maybe he carries one around with him for emergencies.

The Randy Teddy Bears launch into their chorus.

If you go down to the hood today,

I’m a Teddy Bear and I got wood.

If you go down to the hood today,

I’m a Teddy Bear and I got wood.

Wooood Wooood. Woood wooood.

The singer calls out to the audience:

Everybody say ‘Wooood’.

The audience dutifully respond with ‘woooooood’.

Randy Teddy Bears singer: Who’s got wood? Have you got wood? Get down to the wood, the wood feels good. The wood feels good.

He calls out to the audience Have you got wood? Teddy bears got wood.

Steve turning to Crew: Jesus, what is this crap?

Crew: I don’t know Steve, I just don’t know. This phenomenon is too strange for me to even start to be able to analyse. Aliens, ghosts and hallucinogenic fish I know about, but what the fuck this crack-house bullshit means I have no idea.

They see John continuing to mess about with the keyboard lead and they hear the sound of static interference from the faulty cable until, mercifully, John pulls out the lead once and for all killing the track and leaving the singer out on his own singing his stupid chorus. The singer looks over to the keyboardist and releases that he has lost his backing and looks out at the audience he shrugs and throws the mike down, thinking he’s acting cool but just showing that he can’t improvise and hold the crowd on his own.

Crew: What’s that smell? Can you smell that Steve?

Steve: Ah Jesus, I can now you mention it. What the fuck is it? Smells like a barrel full of fermented death.

Crew: Is Hilary Clinton around here somewhere?

There are suddenly delirious cheers and a roar of surprise from the crowd  as completely unexpectedly the pop witch Madonna walks onto the stage.

Crew: Ahh, that explains the smell. 

Steve: Clinton was a good guess though.

Madonna: Hello Hype Aid. I’ve got a secret for you. Teddy bears get me hot.

Madonna then starts strutting around making obscene sexual gestures and making a pretense at fingering herself at the sight of the Teddy Bears, she then goes to the singer of the Randy Teddy Bears and starts dry-humping him in his Teddy Bear suit.

Crew: This unclean thing is not fit to live. Bring back the Burning Times. 

Steve: I’m inclined to agree. All these witches are turning music and culture as a whole to shit.

John is still messing about with the keyboard lead until another roadie appears with a new lead. He plugs in the lead and John and the roadie leave the stage.

The keyboardist then starts up a new track and Madonna and the Teddy bears start dancing around the stage.

Steve: I’ve had enough of this crap, let’s try to see if we can hook up with John and get back-stage.

Crew: But it’s Madonna.

Steve: Yeah, and she stinks like a dead dog's haunted carcass. Let’s get out of here.

Crew: I don’t know why but I can’t move Steve. I’m rooted to the spot by Madonna. She’s a legend Steve, I can’t believe I’m watching Madonna.

Steve: Snap out of it Crew, she’s a dirty broken down strumpet and you’ve been bewitched by her evil.

Crew: You’re right Steve. I know it, but I can’t help it. I feel like dancing. All those hits. What a career! She’s amazing.

Steve: No Crew, you’ve gone all Guy Ritchie, she’s sucked you in. If you don’t back out of this course your soul will be lost forever.

Crew: Help me Steve. I’m turning into one of them, I can feel my critical intellectual faculties slipping away under the sheer weight of witchy pop-voodoo and the sheer power of repetitive pop hits over years and years of repeated play on the radio. My conditioning has just been activated and there’s nothing my higher brain can do to stop it.. I never realized until now that the radio had been brainwashing me all these years and now the programming is complete, I’m turning into a stupid pop-zombie like everyone else and I love it.

Steve: suddenly starts clapping his hands along with the beat and swaying to the music Goddamnit Crew now it’s happening to me. It must be something to do with the dirty death miasma, the rotten stinking smell she exudes, it must have some means to control people’s minds and force them to worship her. Isn’t she’s great?

Crew: She’s the Queen of Pop Steve. I can't think anymore, I can only dance.

Steve: Me too, except I can also clap my hands, but I can't think either.

Stookie Bill: What are you two pink ninnies up to now? For heaven’s sake, dancing like a pair of dead hoofers to this harlot’s tune. What a sight!

Crew and Steve no longer even hear Stookie Bill, so entranced are they with the witchy Madonna’s creepy occult mind-control musical carrier-wave.

John comes back on stage, and looks out at the crowd. He spots Steve and Crew dancing and immediately knows something is wrong. He finds the power leads running from the stage towards the master mixer and quickly pulls one out and disappears. The music stops halfway through Madonna and The Randy Teddy Bears singing a rap version of Like a Virgin and Madonna’s mike cuts-out mid-dry hump.

Madonna: What the fuck is this shit? She shouts in witchy rage.

With the music stopped Steve and Crew momentarily snap out of their trance and strop dancing.

Steve: Quick, we’ve got to get out of here right now before the music starts again.

Steve and Crew desperately move through the crowd with all speed while the sound engineers on stage desperately scramble around trying to regain power while being abused and goaded by an incensed Madonna.

Steve: While running through the audience We’re not going to make it, the sound system is too powerful we won’t be able to get far away enough before the sound comes back on. Any ideas?

Crew: We’ll have to find another tent with a PA in it that will drown out the sounds from the stage.

Steve: Over there is the kids’ tent, we’ll go in there.

They run over to the kids tent holding Stookie Bill, and in their hurry they accidentally go in through the back of the tent. They find themselves suddenly on stage, Crew holding Stookie Bill, in front of a small group of children and adults seated on the grass inside the tent. The children and adults look at them expectantly.

Steve and Crew look blankly out at the audience not knowing what to do next.

Stookie Bill: Quickly addressing the audience Well would you just look at this right pair of ninnies boys and girls.

The children laugh. Steve and Crew stare blankly out at the audience not knowing what to do next. This makes the children laugh even more.

Stookie Bill: I don’t know which one is the more gormless looking do you? Can you help me find out boys and girls?

The children shout YES.

Stookie Bill: Ok boys and girls, here’s what you do, when I count down 3,2,1 can you point to which one you think is the goofiest daftest and shambliest one. I think it’s pretty close to call but if you can help me with this, then we’ll know what’s what once and for all. Are you ready?

The children shout YES again.

Stookie Bill: Ok, 3, 2….

Crew: Asserting himself and interrupting Hang on a minute Stookie Bill, I don’t want to be pointed at and laughed at by a room full of children.

Stookie Bill: Well it’s no use appealing to me. It’s the children you have to convince now. Just try not to look utterly gormless for once. Crew tries to pull a face which conveys dignity combined with coolness and utterly fails. 3, 2, 1 GO! The children all point to Crew.

Crew seems visibly hurt by the audience’s decision while Steve gives a thumbs-up to the audience.

Stookie Bill: There you are, it’s official. So how does it feel?

Crew: churlishly I’ve no comment to make on the matter.

Stookie Bill: Come on now, don’t be a churlish Charlie, it’s just a bit of fun, isn’t that right boys and girls?

The Children chorus YES dutifully and enthusiastically.

Stookie Bill: See Charlie, it’s just a bit of fun, the children said so. You wouldn’t want to disagree with all the boys and girls here would you? I wouldn’t if I were you, some of them look dangerous to me.

Crew looks nervously out at the audience as if there might be a real threat amongst the children, then realizes that Stookie Bill is just joking.

At the side of the stage a man appears to be waiting and looking at them strangely, he is also holding a wooden ventriloquist’s dummy while tapping his watch.

Steve: spotting the man Ok boys and girls we have to go now because there’s another man who wants to come and speak to you.

There are groans of disappointment from the audience.

Stookie Bill: What’s the rush? We’re onto a good thing here if you ask me. I’m not going anywhere.

Steve: We’ve got a job to do remember?

Stookie Bill: Oh that. Bahh. Well sorry to say boys and girls but my churlish friends here tell me we have to say goodbye now and let this other so and so on. So goodbye everyone, your uncle Stookie Bill loves you. Goodbye Goodbye.

The children chorus Goodbye Uncle Stookie Bill and some even say Goodbye to Churlish Charlie as they walk off stage.

The other man comes onstage but is met with decidedly less enthusiasm than Stookie Bill.

Stookie Bill: Why did you have to stop me in the throes of my elan? To use one of your strange neologisms, ‘we were killing it’.

Steve: If you’re so desperate to become a children’s entertainer we can think about that afterwards, in the meantime we’ve got a job to do. We need to find John and get back-stage.

Crew: But as soon as we step out of here we’ll be caught by Madonna’s voodoo rhythm and be turned into dancing goons. We need to stay here until she’s gone.

Stookie Bill: There is an alternative, at least in theory.

Steve: What?

Stookie Bill: She’s transmitting a mind control carrier signal, and like any signal it can be filtered, blocked or counteracted.

Steve: How?

Stookie Bill: I don’t know. But that miserable Scotsman Logie Baird would know.

Steve: Well that’s no use to us is it? He’s dead.

Stookie Bill: Death isn’t such a big deal as you should know by now. He’s still out there himself as a signal flying at the speed of light through the electromagnetic spectrum, timeless eternal and deathless.

Crew: What is that? The afterlife.

Stookie Bill: I suppose you would call it that. Life is just a signal which is transmitted from one source into another. It then occupies a body for a short time, then when that body dies, the signal escapes and then, well, it can end up in various conditions, depending of course on its own innate signal integrity. My own puppet form is hardly different from you in a way, except my wooden body doesn’t need any external nourishment to sustain it, and I suppose if anything happened to my wooden body, if I were involved in a house fire of some kind or got a particularly intense case of woodworm, then my signal would go elsewhere.

Crew: So can we ask Logie Baird?

Stookie Bill: No.

Steve: Why not?

Stookie Bill: Because I don’t want to talk to him.

Steve: What do you mean?

Stookie Bill: I’ve never forgiven him for singeing my hair with his horrible studio lights. I don’t want to talk to him.

Steve: So why did you even bring it up.

Stookie Bill: Well you seem to be in a spot of trouble and I just wanted you to know that theoretically there could be a solution.

Crew: But you don’t want to talk to him so how does it help us?

Stookie Bill: It doesn’t of course. Just talking hypothetically.

Steve: Because you’re feeling butt-hurt the world has to perish is that it? Come on Stookie, you’re not going to let us down. Talk to Baird. We need to know how to block the signal.

Steve: as if realizing something Hang on. How did Hype Aid manage to create the 3D bio-screen TV if they didn’t have help from Baird. I’ve been reading up on Baird and I learned that he patented just such a device in 1944 and called it the Telechrome, it was the world’s first 3d colour television and it was only because of the war that it wasn’t a success. So if Hype-Aid have managed to build this 3D Biomass TV screen based on similar principles to Baird’s own Telechrome then it stands to reason that you’ve already been in contact with Baird in order to help these maniacs. Isn’t that right Stookie Bill?

Stookie Bill’s wooden puppet face remains expressionless.

Crew: Well?

Stookie Bill: Well they forced me.

Steve: How did they force you exactly?

Stookie Bill: Well, when I say ‘forced me’ I mean they made it very difficult for me to refuse.

Steve: What did they do to you?

Stookie Bill: Well, when I say ‘they made it very difficult for me to refuse’ they did things to me.

Crew: Like what?

Stookie Bill: Well, they er, he hesitates, they polished me.

Crew: Polished you?

Stookie Bill: fondly Oh yes, it was very nice. After being polished like that, so well and so vigorously, I could hardly refuse.

Steve: Ok I’ve had enough of this nonsense. If you don’t get on with contacting Baird we’ll set up camp and use that fine polished wooden body of yours for fire-wood. Do you understand me Stookie Bill? Now just get on with it and tell us how we can block the evil stinking poison of Madonna’s 30 year pop-career from turning us into dancing clapping empty headed pop-tards. Now get on with it.

Stookie Bill: Alright alright. I’m doing it. After a silent couple of moments. Ok, I’ve found his signal, he should be coming through any minute now. Here is comes Stookie Bill’s voice changes to that of Scotsman with a slightly high pitched voice.

John Logie Baird: Not all this again. What I am doing back in this dreary field in England.

Steve: Hi John Logie Baird, sorry to bother you but those people you helped create the 3D television screen are evil and they’re trying to kill everyone.

John Logie Baird: Are they? I must say it doesn’t make a lot of difference to me anymore who kills who, I’m glad to be out of it. The life of disappointment I’ve had I hope they blow up the whole thing. This planet makes so much noise you’ve no idea. All these nasty discordant signals firing out in all directions through the cosmos like a big nasty buzzing pest when we’re all just trying to get some peace.

Crew: Who else is out there?

John Logie Baird: All of us, all the people who ever lived, we’re all whizzing merrily around in the light, but we’re rather sensitive and easily disturbed. Speaking of which, I can’t stay here much longer, I can already feel myself becoming troubled by all the nonsense you have going on in this silly place. What do you want?

Crew: We need to learn how to block a signal, specifically a powerful EM signal, we believe it's some kind of high frequency carrier wave and may even be inaudible we don’t know, but it is being broadcast from a sound stage and we can’t leave here while the signal is still being broadcast.

John Logie Baird: Is that all. Well that shouldn’t be too much trouble. You just need to make a Farraday cage.

Steve: How do I do that?

John Logie Baird: Just find a box of some kind and then cover it in some kind of conductive material, like silver foil.

Steve: Are you saying we need to make ourselves tin-foil hats?

John Logie Baird: Indeed. You could put it that way. But the hat needs to cover your head completely so perhaps a tin-foil balaclava might be a better way to put it. If you can fashion one of those for yourself the signal will not be able to penetrate.

Crew: Thankyou Mr Baird.

John Logie Baird: Goodbye. But if you’d take my advice you’d give up on whatever you’re planning. It doesn’t matter how much you try here, everything fails. If a man like me can’t make something of his life then no one can, unless of course you’ve got the devil himself blowing wind in your sails, but for an honest man, there’s just no chance. Goodbye boys, maybe meet you again in the light one day and you can tell me how you got on with whatever it is you were trying to do and I'll pretend to be interested, I promise.

Crew: Goodbye John Logie Baird.

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Act 7 Scene 2: Two Dead Hoofers and the Harlot's Tune.
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