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 Act 7 Scene 1: Liberal Feelz with a Side-Order of Witchcraft.

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PostSubject: Act 7 Scene 1: Liberal Feelz with a Side-Order of Witchcraft.   Thu Nov 01, 2018 4:54 pm

They wonder around disconsolately finding little of interest in the festival except cultural vapidity and a heavy New World Order agenda.

They find themselves in a quiet area, instinctively repelled and appalled by the sights and sounds of a culture in full moral decline where common sense has been abandoned in exchange for social-justice and liberal feelz with a side-order of witchcraft and feminist supremacy.

They sit down in an area behind some of the tents, the bottle is now empty.

Steve: Can you lie yet Crew? Has the cider worn off?

Crew: No.

Steve: Is that a lie?

Crew: No, it’s the truth.

Steve: How do I know if you’re telling the truth.

John Hampton: It’s like one of those logic puzzles with the person who always lies and the person who always tells the truth and finding out who’s who, you have to ask the right question.

Steve: I’ve got the right question. Crew, why do you spend so long in the bath?

Crew: I shave my pubic hair.

Steve: Oh my god, I wish I’d never asked. Why?

Crew: Because it’s more hygienic. It’s in the Quran.

Steve: There’s a lot of stuff in the Quran, it doesn’t mean you have to go and do it.

Crew: Well, I just like it, it makes me feel sexy, I use the Quran as an excuse.

John Hampton: Why did we have to go there Steve?

Steve: It’s the only thing I can imagine anyone would lie about, what they do in the bathtub. At least we know he’s still under the influence of the magic cider, we’ll have to be careful.

John Hampton: I don’t really think it matters anymore to be honest.

A gloom descends over them as they lapse into silence. There is a sound.

Crew: What’s that noise?

Steve: Dismissively Just a bird.
 
They hear the sound again.

Crew: Funny sort of bird, it sounds like it’s crying. I didn’t know birds could cry.

They listen intently to try to hear the sound again. A few moments pass.

Steve: Forget it, it’s nothing. Then clearly audible they hear something resembling a strange stifled kind of sob, almost human.

Steve: Let’s see what it is, we’ve got nothing better to do.

Crew: Then we go to the beer tent, ok?

Steve: I suppose so.

Crew does a self-fist bump.

They walk towards the origin of the sobbing sound and find themselves around the back of a small marquee, they see a signpost and an arrow which indicates that this is the Séance Tent.

The stifled sobbing is coming from a green wheelie bin behind the marquee. They cautiously open the lid of the bin and peer inside.

John: What is it?

Crew: I can’t see anything. Wait a minute, what’s that. It’s a doll, hey it’s Stookie Bill.

Crew: It’s nice to see you again Stookie Bill, what on Earth happened to you? Last time we saw you you were having the time of your life on stage and in a crowd-surfing ectasy, now you’re in the blue wheelie bin full of rubbish.

Steve peers into the bin with Crew.

Steve: He’s in with the recyclables, I wonder what they intend to recycle him into.

Stookie Bill is still sobbing and seems to grow dimly aware of Crew and Steve, but he has clearly now found someone to articulate his woes to.

Stookie Bill: They threw me out.

Crew: Why did they throw you out?

Steve: I bet I can guess.

Crew: What happened Stookie?

Stookie Bill: They used me, used me for my amazing talents and skills, then when they’d done with me, they threw me out, isn’t that right Mrs Thompson? The voice of an elderly lady called Mrs Thompson emanates from Stookie Bill Oh yes, I should say so dearie, what they did to you was a livid outrage on the very book of life itself. I would have a word with the ombudsman and the local council about it. You should get some redress for the abuse you have suffered you poor poor little muffin.

Steve: Who’s Mrs Thompson when she’s at home?

Mrs Thompson: speaking through Stookie Bill She’s not at home, she talking through my friend Stookie Bill, he’s a channel for the spirits of the dead, and he’s very good at it, he was asked to reach the Master of the Twisted Sound, known as elder Demon Xa’ligha in the Heart of Infinite Dissonance, on behalf of Lady Gaga because she needs some nauseating new sounds for her new album. But once the members of the Dark Circus coven were done with him they dropped him in here. 

Steve: There’s more to it than that surely?

Mrs Thompson: Well, maybe he did rub a few of the occultists up the wrong way with his playful merry ways but that’s…. she is interrupted by the return of Stookie Bill.

Stookie Bill: That’s enough Ethel.

John: So you can become possessed by the spirits of the dead?

Stookie Bill: Yes, what of it?

John: Turning to Steve Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Steve: Yes I am. Do you think we can fit him with a HDMI cable?

Crew: So who’s side are you on? 

Stookie Bill: I’m on my side, and if you want to join me you can but I won’t have you talking in an uncivil manner to me again, and if you intend to then leave me in this bin and go about your business and leave me at least my dignity.

Steve: Dignity? You’re in a blue recycling bin and will probably end up in the masher down at the depot to be turned into a plant pot or something.  Where’s the dignity in that?

Stookie Bill: Starts sniveling Well at least I won’t be mocked anymore. Nobody abuses plant-pots, they respect them and I’ll be left in peace again.

Crew: Come on Stookie, he reaches in and takes him out of the bin it’s nothing personal, we love you really, and we always tease the ones we love most anyway, it’s how you know that your  friendship is a lasting one, it’s just banter between mates. 

John Hampton: Actually I think Crew is right about this and not just trying to make you feel better with mollifying platitudes, It’s human psychology. Real friends occasionally mock each other as a subtle subconscious test of their friendship to make sure that person will stick with them through thick and thin, if they can’t take a bit of laugh maybe at their expense then what will happen if they are in a really tight spot and the friend counts on them, obviously they’re not to be relied upon.

Steve: So you see Stookie, even though I didn’t know it myself, my mocking you all along was me testing our friendship, I must say I’m surprised but there you go. We all missed you when you went away, and Crew actually went missing for a few days and came back a Zombie, and we only managed to save him using cups of sugared tea and an assortment of pens.

Stookie stops sniveling.

Stookie Bill: Hopefully Really? Crew went missing and turned into a Zombie, because of me?

Crew: Well, I suppose so. To Steve ruefully Do you have to mention the pens?

Stookie Bill: Thanks lads, so you were my best friends all along.

Steve: Er…. Crew gives him a look. Of course.

John Hampton: So what are they up to?

Stookie Bill: Who?

John Hampton: The Dark Circus of course, all this, what are they planning? When they hypnotized Crew they told him something about mass population reduction.

Stookie Bill: Oh, all that. Yeah, I think that’s what they’re up to. Blandly They’re going to kill everyone for the good of planet Earth while keeping an elite population alive in a Zombie state of total servility.

Steve: Well you don’t seem to concerned about it.

Stookie Bill: It’s not really my problem, I’m a wooden puppet, they can’t kill me.

Steve: Well it’s a big deal to us and we’re your friends remember, we’ll die too because we’re not made of wood.

Stookie Bill: Oh I’d forgotten about that, yes I suppose this could be quite a serious concern to you. Well I’ll help you as best I can. Let me tell you what I heard from the Dark Circus Coven. They were talking about a pink lazer which is flown in which will instantly zombify the whole festival, which will guarantee their survival during the next phase. It works by opening up a portal of access in the third-eye to the Lovecraft dimension to allow mass possession of the surviving elite population by the ancient archons. The aerosolized plague rainbow discharge flyby will take place on cue when there will be a live invocation to the Horned God of Nature by the girls of Saint Winifred's School Choir, though of course they will be described as a chemical fly-by to help reduce global warming which I suppose in a manner of speaking will be true since without people there probably won’t be so many pollutants in the atmosphere. The Zombies will be carrying the plague which they have breathed in through the fly-by but they also have immunity as long as they drink the hyper-cola which is why it’s being given away for free. Nearly everyone will have at least tasted the stuff and even a sip is enough to acquire immunity from what they’re calling a space-plague. Within a week the plague will destroy most of the population of the UK and due to inviting ten specially chosen international guests from all the countries of the world as some part of Love the World Hard, UN celebration, the plague will be taken to their countries where they will then ravage those populations. Mass human population reduction in less than one month and a New World Order led by the Dark Circus and the Sexy Sexy Blackness. 

John Hampton: That's not good. 

Crew: No. I hate cola. 

Steve: Eh? 

Crew: We'll have to drink some if we want immunity from the plague, then make sure we get out of here before the pink lazer show starts and we'll be alright.

Steve: Well not exactly, the world will still end and the survivors will be zombies possessed by the ancient Archons just like you were. 

Crew: Well if we fail to save the world at least we know how to save ourselves now.

Steve: Yeah but it's not the good ending is it Crew? We want the good ending don't we?

Crew: Yeah, I guess. But what do we do? We haven't got the Ghoulatron anymore.

John: This might seem weird to you Stookie Bill, but what with your channeling skills do you think we can somehow connect you to the 4d biomass screen and summon our dead popstar friends to give whatever message it is that they think will allow all this end of the world stuff to be put to bed.

Stookie Bill: I don't know about that, I'm not exactly a creature of the digital age as you well know. But from Baird's experiments with signal transmission the challenge was always to find a way to encode and send the signal and decode the signal, but since I am not an inanimate machine but alive then I can do all of this just with my will. Get me to the apparatus and we shall see.

Crew, Steve, John and Stookie Bill are back in front of the main-stage. There are roadies on the stage preparing for the next musical act.

Crew: Indicating a man on the stage See that? It’s got my name on it.

Steve: What?

Crew: That guy’s high visibility vest. If we could get some high viz vests we could get backstage.

Steve: shudders Do we really want to go backstage, it’s going to be swarming with camp sex predators and stray witches.

Crew: But we have to if we want to try to find a way to access the video mixer for the 4d bio-mass screen.

Steve: Shit, I suppose you’re right.

John: Ok, I’ll see what I can do.

Steve: What your plan? He addresses John but finds he has disappeared. He’s gone!

Crew: I didn’t even seem him move.

Steve: How does he do that?

Stookie Bill: Gahh, he’s just a show off. Any normal person doesn’t try to magically creep away like that. It’s part of his routine of deliberately manufactured mystery. He doesn’t impress me.

Steve: Stookie Bill, are you moaning again? After he put his arm in and saved you from the recycling bin.

Stookie Bill: I thought you said it was ‘banter between mates’ and a ‘subtle subconscious test of friendship’.

Crew: He’s got you there Steve.

Steve: It just doesn’t sound particularly friendly when it comes from Stookie Bill that’s all.

Crew: Quietly to Steve I thought you said we were going to be nice to him from now on, just let him moan, he is a wooden puppet after-all, he’s doing pretty well for a wooden puppet. Just like scorpion sting and dogs bark, maybe wooden puppets moan, it’s just their nature.

Steve: You’re right Crew. To Stookie Bill I love you Stookie Bill.

Stookie Bill: ‘Ere, you’re not turning into one of those licentious woofters are you?

Steve: No Stookie Bill, I just want you to know we’re all your friends here and I accept you for what you are.

Stookie Bill: What I am? I’m more worried about what you are at the moment, seems to me like you’re turning into a shirt-lifter.

Steve: How do you work that out? You’re a wooden puppet, you’re devoid of sexuality.

Stookie Bill: Shows how little you know.

Crew: Come on Stookie, you’re just a head on a stick. If you’ve got anything to hide then I wouldn’t know where you’d keep it anyway.

Stookie Bill: I’m alive just like you and I have my needs….and I have ways to satisfy them.

Steve: This is dark territory indeed. Can we change the conversation and pretend none of this ever happened.

Stookie Bill: Why? I’m not ashamed.

Steve: Well you should be. Wooden puppets have no business with matters of sexuality, what’s next? Horny dolls and randy Teddy Bears.

Stookie Bill: What do you know about the randy Teddy Bears?

Steve: What?

Stookie Bill: I met them backstage, they’re on soon I think.

Steve looks at Crew, then looks at Stookie Bill.

Crew: Randy Teddy Bears?

Stookie Bill: They had a top-ten hit in American and the UK. Shows how out of touch you are.

Steve: I’m grateful for the fact. Randy Teddy Bears? Is that really what they’re called.

Stookie Bill: I think will be performing after PLL. I met them at the séance. 

Steve: Never heard of them either. What does PLL stand for?

Stookie Bill: Pro Laps of Love.

Steve: Jesus? What happened to music? When did it get so filthy?

Crew: You’re joking aren’t you Steve? It’s always been like that except we were too close to it to notice. Why do you think Freddie Mercury called his band Queen? What about the Pet Shop Boys, did anyone ever ask themselves what a Pet Shop Boy gets up to? Know why 10CC called themselves 10 CC?  Then there’s Pearl Jam and Kenny Rogers.

Steve: What’s so rude about Pearl Jam? Wait a minute, ewwww I get it. But Kenny Rogers? But that’s his real name, he wasn’t trying to be rude.

Crew: Are you sure?

Steve: Well…..no.

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Act 7 Scene 1: Liberal Feelz with a Side-Order of Witchcraft.
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