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 Act 6 Scene 6: Cider-Sense.

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PostSubject: Act 6 Scene 6: Cider-Sense.   Fri Oct 19, 2018 11:32 am

They set off down the hill towards the beer tent. As they do so someone quickly slidles up to them unnoticed.

Woman: Hey how’s it going? That’s an interesting toy you’ve got there boys.

Crew: Thanks.

Steve: Nudging crew with a dig in the ribs I don’t know what you mean.

Crew: Yeah, it’s not a toy.

Woman: I know it’s not, it’s a very interesting piece of equipment, I’d love to know where you got it from.

Steve: I’m sorry but we haven’t got time to talk. We’re busy.

Woman: Busy? It’s a music festival, who’s busy?  The only thing on most people’s agenda is getting wankered.

Crew: Sighs You’d think so wouldn’t you?

Steve: Steve delivers Crew another dig in the ribs Alright bye see you later.

Steve picks up the pace and they leave the woman standing behind them.

A moment later a man approaches them hurriedly and in a state of mild panic.

Man: Thank God I found you, it’s you friend he’s fallen seriously ill.

Steve: Eh?

Man: That man you were with.

Steve: Dr Kemble?

Man: Yeah, quickly come with me.

They follow the man into a small tent which has a sign which has a small placard which says ‘medical tent’ outside.

They enter and the entrance flap is closed behind them.

John: What happened?

A man walks approaches from the corner of the tent, as he reaches them they recognize him.

Crew: Elton Jones? What are you doing here?

Elton Jones: It’s a bloody great music concert isn’t it kitten, with hundreds of thousands in the audience and millions watching around the world, where else am I supposed to be?

Crew: No I mean, in this tent with us, where’s Dr Kemble?

Elton Jones: Well I must say most people are more than happy to get the chance to meet little old me, aren’t you at least a little bit star-struck?

Crew: I don’t know, I think my mum likes you but you’re not my cup of tea.

Elton Jones frowns.

Elton Jones: Do you know that people who are rude to me usually end up in a shallow woodland grave.

Steve: What?

Elton Jones: Just a little joke.

Crew: Look, I don’t have to be nice to you, we didn’t come here to accidentally meet you anyway, where is Dr Kemble?

A voice speaks from behind.

Voice: He’s presently working on his fourth pint of Bent Bishop.

John: Bloody hell, he’s already on his fourth pint, he’ll be rampant by the time Sting comes on.

Steve: Whisking round to address the man So there’s nothing wrong with him?

Elton Jones: No, but there’s something wrong with you. Do you seriously think you could just walk in here and raise a tempest and no one would notice?

John: What?

Elton Jones: Pull the other one Charlie.

Crew: Pull the other what? And who’s Charlie?

Elton Jones: You used magical arts! You raised a storm and thought nobody would notice?

John: Magic? Are you kidding? Magic isn’t real, this isn’t Harry Potter land.

Elton Jones: he smiles like a crocodile, if crocodiles could smile Don’t try it my man or I’ll take a dainty little piece of you and bite it off.  We’re not strangers to the magical arts, all that silly atheist shtick you see in the telly is just for the plebs. We don’t want them to know about magic because then they could use it against us, but we know about magic and we know you know about magic too, isn’t that nice, would make a good pop song, addressing someone else in the room Can you write that down? Get hold of Bernie and ask him to make something of it. Something about we know about magic and we know that you know it too, it kinda scans well doesn’t it? Iambic pentameter and all that old bollocks, I don't know that much about it I just bash the ol' Joanna, Bernie does all the words.

Steve: Look, we’ve no idea what you’re talking about, we got caught in the storm as well, maybe it’s global warming or something.

Elton Jones: Global-warming? Are you having a laugh? That’s one for the mugs. If anything weird happens with the weather it’s usually us. There is a pause and this wasn’t us, which meant it was someone else and that someone else looks very much like you. They said you were playing with a little TV set or something, that had something to do with it.

Crew: No, it was just my phone, it got caught in the wind.

Voice from behind: You might as well tell the truth now, we’ll find out anyway, and if we discover you’re lying it’ll be worse for you.

John: What is all this? I didn’t realise the country had a Ministry of Magic.

Steve: You sound totally crackers. You’re accusing us of making a storm and now threatening us if we dare to deny it. How about we call the police and see what they think about all this.

Elton Jones: Oh we don’t need to get the police involved, we can get to the bottom of all this all by ourselves. You see my naughty little kittens, I’ve got something very special which helps us to get the truth out of people.

Steve: What, so now you’re going to torture us?

Elton Jones: Not exactly. Bring the cider.

Crew’s eyes light-up.

Crew: Cider?

Steve: Cider? Not frigging cider, are you kidding?

Elton Jones: Oh you can mock, but it’s not just any old cider my furtive little friends, this cider comes from a very special, some less enlightened minds might even say, ‘magical’ Somerset orchard whose secret is not even known to the world’s most renowned food and drink experts, but is well known to the most elect and select of those who dabble with the magical arts.

Elton Jones: Who shall we start with?

Crew: Me, I’ll take one for the team.

Elton Jones: Hold him still!

Two men hold Crew while they pour him out a pint of cider from a nondescript unmarked green bottle. They then encourage him to drink the cider.

Elton Jones: This cider you see has a special property.

Crew: Nervously It’s not made from poisonous apples is it?

Elton Jones: Not exactly…..

Crew: It’s really good, can I have another one?

Steve: I told you not to get pissed, if you get drunk we won’t be able to….. he realizes he is about to give the game away, to, to…

Elton Jones: Don’t mess with my tutu dearie, spit it out.

Crew: Save the world?

Steve is startled at Crew’s lack of discretion.

Elton Jones: Save the world indeed? The special property of this cider is that it makes the person who drinks it utterly compelled to tell the truth. Like a truth-serum but slightly fizzy and made of apples. Isn’t that extra special? Wouldn't it be funny if they sold it in Sainsbury's?

Steve: Crew I know this is hard for you but don’t say anything.

Elton Jones: Why? Surely if you had nothing to hide you wouldn’t mind if this little shaven bunny hooted his trap off about everything under the sun. I wonder if it’s not just his head that he shaves. I could be a cheeky little monkey and ask him couldn’t I?

John: Look Elton, I think you’re out of line here. There’s the slightest suspicion of unlawful detention in all this, not to mention drugging someone, and now you’re taking this into something like date-rape territory. I suggest you back off and drop this now, I know you think you’re one of the Gods of this world, but even the mightiest can be brought low as a result of one indiscretion too many and messing with the wrong guy. I’m very much the definition of the wrong guy here Elton. Let us go and that’ll be the end of it.

Elton Jones:  A creamy look appears in Elton Jones’ eyes What do you mean by that my naughty little kitten?

John: Front page news Elton, front page news. I have a lot of old friends in the business and I know that whatever power you think you have over the profane world cannot compete with the sheer luscious juicy power of a scandal in the Sunday papers when there’s nothing more meaningful going on in the world. You wanna try it?

Elton Jones: Looks closely at John, he suddenly draws closer, brings his face to John’s neck and sniffs him Do you want to know what I smell? I smell shite and bullshit, that’s two types of shite, one type of shite comes from fear and the other from bravado and I know what shite and fear smell like because I’ve had a lot of experience, much more than you brave little lion. Well now you’re with the big dogs, and I’m smelling your shite.

John Hampton: Jesus, you’re even kinkier than I thought.

Elton’s eyes flare with a murderous intention.

John Hampton: Just try it fatty, any wrong move on your part and I’ll take you down and skin you so fast you won’t even see me again until your guts plop out onto the floor. I’m not from your world of dogs sniffing each others shit, I’m from a world where we emerge out of darkness and without a word or even the time to scream there’s one less scumbag in the world. Now if you don’t mind we’ll be on our way.

Elton Jones whistles. Three of Elton Jones’ personal security team appear inside the tent.

Elton Jones: Look at my fine boys, I feed them only the finest round steaks, that way they stay lean so I can oil them up and marvel at their abdominal muscles at my whim. I don’t suppose any of you dandy boys would like to marvel at their abdominal muscles? We could turn very quickly this all around and have a bit of a sexy party, I’ve got a ton of Verve Clicquot in my cooler, why don’t we just have a bit of fun and see where it takes us. It could take you all the way my boys, to places you’d never dreamed of.

Steve: I thought you were married.

Elton John: Yes but we have a very modern marriage. Come on you little rascals let’s lighten the mood and get this party started. Borris, get me a bottle of the rose would you? Make it two. One for me and one for my new friends.

Steve: wryly So now we’re ‘friends of Elton’ great.

Elton Jones: turning to Crew, stroking his bald head Ooh, you’re almost as bald as I used to be. So now, as my newest friend, my other friends just want to know a little bit about what you’re up to here with that clever little feat of weather magic, how did you do it?

Crew: under the effect of the magic cider merrily tells Elton the truth Well Elton, it all started with Bill Hicks telling me in a dream that he couldn’t get into heaven because he couldn’t quit cigarettes and he wanted me to help him find a way to quit, even though he was dead and smoking wouldn’t even hurt him anymore because he was already dead but he said it was an outward manifestation of something else which he hadn’t figured out what it was yet, so he told me to speak to Jim Morrison so we could save the world and help Bill quit smoking but the only way we could see Jim Morrison was by filling a bucket full of good scotch whisky under a full moon…

Elton initially starts listening but soon starts to become irritated.

Elton tries to fill-up Crew’s glass again and finds the cider bottle now empty he then looks at crew and looks at the bottle.

Crew: And because he was part Scottish he told us we had to go to Scotland to meet a special person.

Elton Jones: Who was that?

Crew: Stookie Bill, although actually it was his brother James, but in reality they’re the same person.

Elton Jones: starting to sound weary Who is Stookie Bill?

Crew: He’s a wooden puppet.

Elton Jones: So let me get this straight, you met Bill Hicks in a dream because he wanted to quit smoking, but he’s dead anyway so it doesn’t matter, who told you to speak to Jim Morrison by filling a bucket of whisky in the moon light.

Crew: But it had to be a full-moon.

Elton Jones: Of course, who then sent you to Scotland to speak to a wooden puppet who is actually two different people at the same time.

Crew: So anyway we spoke to Stookie Bill..

Elton Jones cuts him off.

Elton Jones: I’ve heard enough. That cider must have been bad batch, though it's the first time, it usually works perfectly. You’re enough to drive someone round the bend. Give me that, he takes the Bogey Box which Crew was holding in his hands.  I don’t know what you’re on but you guys are a bunch of nutcases. But they told me you were using some kind of special box, maybe even technology or something, this must be it. He tries to turn it on and presses some buttons. How does it work?

Crew: It doesn’t work, it’s broken.

Steve: It’s just a pocket TV, it got damaged in the storm. I don’t know who you think we are but you’ve got the wrong people.

Elton Jones frowns.

Elton Jones: I’m keeping this thing though.

John Hampton: That’s theft. I can see the headlines now ‘Elton Jones stole my pocket TV’.

Elton Jones signals to his security guards to clear them out of tent while Boris arrives with the Verve Clicquot. 

Crew: Is there any more cider?

John Hampton grabs a bottle of the Verve Clicquot rose as they are ejected from Elton Jones' magnificent presence.

They find themselves outside the tent, the medical-tent sign has gone and the flap now firmly closed.

John Hampton: No, but we've got champagne.

Steve: But we lost the Ghoulatron.

Crew: It was broken anyway.

John Hampton: So what happens now?

Crew: Game over, we lost, the world will be destroyed. Let's go to the beer tent and enjoy the festival. 

Steve: It's a crap festival, they all are these days. It's a shite music festival full of creepy magic bullshit, middle-class burlesque perversions and fake environmental clap-trap.

John: Yeah, you're probably right, there must be some weird magic involved with Sting because he's been turned into a completely boring cunt over the course of several years. 

Steve: I only ever remember him as a boring self-righteous cunt, was he ever not one?

John: I have vague childhood memories of Sting related excitement and vitality, but it could have been just another pop delusion. 

Steve: You might as well open that champagne John before it gets warm.

John: What do we drink to?

Crew: grimly The end of the world I guess.

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Act 6 Scene 6: Cider-Sense.
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