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 Act 6 Scene 5: Who's Charlie?

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PostSubject: Act 6 Scene 5: Who's Charlie?   Sun Oct 07, 2018 2:16 pm

They set off down the hill towards the beer tent. As they do so someone quickly slidles up to them unnoticed.

Woman: Hey how’s it going? That’s an interesting toy you’ve got there boys.

Crew: Thanks.

Steve: Nudging crew with a dig in the ribs I don’t know what you mean.

Crew: Yeah, it’s not a toy.

Woman: I know it’s not, it’s a very interesting piece of equipment, I’d love to know where you got it from.

Steve: I’m sorry but we haven’t got time to talk. We’re busy.

Woman: Busy? It’s a music festival, who’s busy?  The only thing on most people’s agenda is getting wankered.

Crew: Sighs You’d think so wouldn’t you?

Steve: Steve delivers Crew another dig in the ribs Alright bye see you later.

Steve picks up the pace and they leave the woman standing behind them.

A moment later a man approaches them hurriedly and in a state of mild panic.

Man: Thank God I found you, it’s you friend he’s fallen seriously ill.

Steve: Eh?

Man: That man you were with.

Steve: Dr Kemble?

Man: Yeah, quickly come with me.

They follow the man into a small tent which has a sign which has a small placard which says ‘medical tent’ outside.

They enter and the entrance flap is closed behind them.

John: What happened?

A man walks approaches from the corner of the tent, as he reaches them they recognize him.

Crew: Elton Jones? What are you doing here?

Elton Jones: It’s a bloody great music concert isn’t it kitten, with hundreds of thousands in the audience and millions watching around the world, where else am I supposed to be?

Crew: No I mean, in this tent with us, where’s Dr Kemble?

Elton Jones: Well I must say most people are more than happy to get the chance to meet little old me, aren’t you at least a little bit star-struck?

Crew: I don’t know, I think my mum likes you but you’re not my cup of tea.

Elton Jones frowns.

Elton Jones: Do you know that people who are rude to me usually end up in a shallow woodland grave.

Steve: What?

Elton Jones: Just a little joke.

Crew: Look, I don’t have to be nice to you, we didn’t come here to accidentally meet you anyway, where is Dr Kemble?

A voice speaks from behind.

Voice: He’s presently working on his third pint of Bent Bishop.

John: Bloody hell, he’s already on his third pint, he’ll be rampant by the time Sting comes on.

Steve: Whisking round to address the man So there’s nothing wrong with him?

Elton Jones: No, but there’s something wrong with you. Do you seriously think you could just walk in here and raise a tempest and no one would notice?

John: What?

Elton Jones: Pull the other one Charlie.

Crew: Pull the other what? And who’s Charlie?

Elton Jones: You used magical arts! You raised a storm and thought nobody would notice?

John: Magic? Are you kidding? Magic isn’t real, this isn’t Harry Potter land.

Elton Jones: he smiles like a crocodile, if crocodiles could smile Don’t try it my man or I’ll take a dainty little piece of you and bite it off.  We’re not strangers to the magical arts, all that silly atheist shtick you see in the telly is just for the plebs. We don’t want them to know about magic because then they could use it against us, but we know about magic and we know you know about magic too, isn’t that nice, would make a good pop song, addressing someone else in the room Can you write that down? Get hold of Bernie and ask him to make something of it. Something about we know about magic and we know that you know it too, it kinds scans well doesn’t it? Iambic pentameter and all that old bollocks, I don't know that much about it I just bash the ol' Joanna, Bernie does all the words.

Steve: Look, we’ve no idea what you’re talking about, we got caught in the storm as well, maybe it’s global warming or something.

Elton Jones: Global-warming? Are you having a laugh? That’s one for the mugs. If anything weird happens with the weather it’s usually us. There is a pause and this wasn’t us, which meant it was someone else and that someone else looks very much like you. They said you were playing with a little TV set or something, that had something to do with it.

Crew: No, it was just my phone, it got caught in the wind.

Voice from behind: You might as well tell the truth now, we’ll find out anyway, and if we discover you’re lying it’ll be worse for you.

John: What is all this? I didn’t realise the country had a Ministry of Magic.

Steve: You sound totally crackers. You’re accusing us of making a storm and now threatening us if we dare to deny it. How about we call the police and see what they think about all this.

Elton Jones: Oh we don’t need to get the police involved, we can get to the bottom of all this all by ourselves. You see my naughty little kittens, I’ve got something very special which helps us to get the truth out of people.

Steve: What, so now you’re going to torture us?

Elton Jones: Not exactly. Bring the cider.

Crew’s eyes light-up.

Crew: Cider?

Steve: Cider? Not frigging cider, are you kidding?

Elton Jones: Oh you can mock, but it’s not just any old cider my furtive little friends, this cider comes from a very special, some less enlightened minds might even say, ‘magical’ Somerset orchard whose secret is not even known to the world’s most renowned food and drink experts, but is well known to the most elect and select of those who dabble with the magical arts.

Elton Jones: Who shall we start with?

Crew: Me, I’ll take one for the team.

Elton Jones: Hold him still!

Two men hold Crew while they pour him out a pint of cider from a nondescript unmarked green bottle. They then encourage him to drink the cider.

Elton Jones: This cider you see has a special property.

Crew: Nervously It’s not made from poisonous apples is it?

Elton Jones: Not exactly…..

Crew: It’s really good, can I have another one?

Steve: I told you not to get pissed, if you get drunk we won’t be able to….. he realizes he is about to give the game away, to, to…

Elton Jones: Don’t mess with my tutu dearie, spit it out.

Crew: Save the world?

Steve is startled at Crew’s lack of discretion.

Elton Jones: Save the world indeed? The special property of this cider is that it makes the person who drinks it utterly compelled to tell the truth. Like a truth-serum but slightly fizzy and made of apples. Isn’t that extra special? Wouldn't it be funny if they sold it in Sainsbury's?

Steve: Crew I know this is hard for you but don’t say anything.

Elton Jones: Why? Surely if you had nothing to hide you wouldn’t mind if this little shaven bunny hooted his trap off about everything under the sun. I wonder if it’s not just his head that he shaves. I could be a cheeky little monkey and ask him couldn’t I?

John: Look Elton, I think you’re out of line here. There’s the slightest suspicion of unlawful detention in all this, not to mention drugging someone, and now you’re taking this into something like date-rape territory. I suggest you back off and drop this now, I know you think you’re one of the Gods of this world, but even the mightiest can be brought low as a result of one indiscretion too many and messing with the wrong guy. I’m very much the definition of the wrong guy here Elton. Let us go and that’ll be the end of it.

Elton Jones:  A creamy look appears in Elton Jones’ eyes What do you mean by that my naughty little kitten?

John: Front page news Elton, front page news. I have a lot of old friends in the business and I know that whatever power you think you have over the profane world cannot compete with the sheer luscious juicy power of a scandal in the Sunday papers when there’s nothing more meaningful going on in the world. You wanna try it?

Elton Jones: Looks closely at John, he suddenly draws closer, brings his face to John’s neck and sniffs him Do you want to know what I smell? I smell shite and bullshit, that’s two types of shite, one type of shite comes from fear and the other from bravado and I know what shite and fear smell like because I’ve had a lot of experience, much more than you brave little lion. Well now you’re with the big dogs, and I’m smelling your shite.

John Hampton: Jesus, you’re even kinkier than I thought.

Elton’s eyes flare with a murderous intention.

John Hampton: Just try it fatty, any wrong move on your part and I’ll take you down and skin you so fast you’ll won’t even see me again until your guts plop out onto the floor. I’m not from your world of dogs sniffing each others shit, I’m from a world where we emerge out of darkness and without a word or even the time to scream there’s one less scumbag in the world. Now if you don’t mind we’ll be on our way.

Elton Jones whistles. Three of Elton Jones’ personal security team appear inside the tent.

Elton Jones: Look at my fine boys, I feed them only the finest round steaks, that way they stay lean so I can oil them up and marvel at their abdominal muscles at my whim. I don’t suppose any of you dandy boys would like to marvel at their abdominal muscles? We could turn very quickly this all around and have a bit of a sexy party, I’ve got a ton of Verve Clicquot in my cooler, why don’t we just have a bit of fun and see where it takes us. It could take you all the way my boys, to places you’d never dreamed of.

Steve: I thought you were married.

Elton John: Yes but we have a very modern marriage. Come on you little rascals let’s lighten the mood and get this party started. Borris, get me a bottle of the rose would you? Make it two. One for me and one for my new friends.

Steve: wryly So now we’re ‘friends of Elton’ great.

Elton Jones: turning to Crew, stroking his bald head Ooh, you’re almost as bald as I used to be. So now, as my newest friend, my other friends just want to know a little bit about what you’re up to here with that clever little feat of weather magic, how did you do it?

Crew: under the effect of the magic cider merrily tells Elton the truth Well Elton, it all started with Bill Hicks telling me in a dream that he couldn’t get into heaven because he couldn’t quit cigarettes and he wanted me to help him find a way to quit, even though he was dead and smoking wouldn’t even hurt him anymore because he was already dead but he said it was an outward manifestation of something else which he hadn’t figured out what it was yet, so he told me to speak to Jim Morrison so we could save the world and help Bill quit smoking but the only way we could see Jim Morrison was by filling a bucket full of good scotch whisky under a full moon…

Elton initially starts listening but soon starts to become irritated.

Elton tries to fill-up Crew’s glass again and finds the cider bottle now empty he then looks at crew and looks at the bottle.

Crew: And because he was part Scottish he told us we had to go to Scotland to meet a special person.

Elton Jones: Who was that?

Crew: Stookie Bill, although actually it was his brother James, but in reality they’re the same person.

Elton Jones: starting to sound weary Who is Stookie Bill?

Crew: He’s a wooden puppet.

Elton Jones: So let me get this straight, you met Bill Hicks in a dream because he wanted to quit smoking, but he’s dead anyway so it doesn’t matter, who told you to speak to Jim Morrison by filling a bucket of whisky in the moon light.

Crew: But it had to be a full-moon.

Elton Jones: Of course, who then sent you to Scotland to speak to a wooden puppet who is actually two different people at the same time.

Crew: So anyway we spoke to Stookie Bill..

Elton Jones cuts him off.

Elton Jones: I’ve heard enough. That cider must have been bad batch, though it's the first time, it usually works perfectly. You’re enough to drive someone round the bend. Give me that, he takes the Bogey Box which Crew was holding in his hands.  I don’t know what you’re on but you guys are a bunch of nutcases. But they told me you were using some kind of special box, maybe even technology or something, this must be it. He tries to turn it on and presses some buttons. How does it work?

Crew: It doesn’t work, it’s broken.

Steve: It’s just a pocket TV, it got damaged in the storm. I don’t know who you think we are but you’ve got the wrong people.

Elton Jones frowns.

Elton Jones: I’m keeping this thing though.

John Hampton: That’s theft. I can see the headlines now ‘Elton Jones stole my pocket TV’.

Elton Jones signals to his security guards to clear them out of tent while Boris arrives with the Verve Clicquot. 

Crew: Is there any more cider?

John Hampton grabs a bottle of the Verve Clicquot rose as they are ejected from Elton Jones' magnificent presence.

They find themselves outside the tent, the medical-tent sign has gone and the flap now firmly closed.

John Hampton: No, but we've got champagne.

Steve: But we lost the Ghoulatron.

Crew: It was broken anyway.

John Hampton: So what happens now?

Crew: Game over, we lost, the world will be destroyed. Let's go to the beer tent and enjoy the festival. 

Steve: It's a crap festival, they all are these days. It's a shite music festival full of creepy magic bullshit, middle-class burlesque perversions and fake environmental clap-trap.

John: Yeah, you're probably right, there must be some weird magic involved with Sting because he's been turned into a completely boring cunt over the course of several years. 

Steve: I only ever remember him as a boring self-righteous cunt, was he ever not one?

John: I have vague childhood memories of Sting related excitement and vitality, but it could have been just another pop delusion. 

Steve: You might as well open that champagne John before it gets warm.

John: What do we drink to?

Crew: grimly The end of the world I guess.

They wonder around disconsolately finding little of interest in the festival except cultural vapidity and a heavy New World Order agenda.

They find themselves in a quiet area, instinctively repelled and appalled by the sights and sounds of a culture in full moral decline where common sense has been abandoned in exchange for social-justice and liberal feelz with a side-order of witchcraft and feminist supremacy.

They sit down in an area behind some of the tents, the bottle is now empty.

Steve: Can you lie yet Crew? Has the cider worn off?

Crew: No.

Steve: Is that a lie?

Crew: No, it’s the truth.

Steve: How do I know if you’re telling the truth.

John Hampton: It’s like one of those logic puzzles with the person who always lies and the person who always tells the truth and finding out who’s who, you have to ask the right question.

Steve: I’ve got the right question. Crew, why do you spend so long in the bath?

Crew: I shave my pubic hair.

Steve: Oh my god, I wish I’d never asked. Why?

Crew: Because it’s more hygienic. It’s in the Quran.

Steve: There’s a lot of stuff in the Quran, it doesn’t mean you have to go and do it.

Crew: Well, I just like it, it makes me feel sexy, I use the Quran as an excuse.

John Hampton: Why did we have to go there Steve?

Steve: It’s the only thing I can imagine anyone would lie about, what they do in the bathtub. At least we know he’s still under the influence of the magic cider, we’ll have to be careful.

John Hampton: I don’t really think it matters anymore to be honest.

A gloom descends over them as they lapse into silence. There is a sound.

Crew: What’s that noise?

Steve: Dismissively Just a bird.
 
They hear the sound again.

Crew: Funny sort of bird, it sounds like it’s crying. I didn’t know birds could cry.

They listen intently to try to hear the sound again. A few moments pass.

Steve: Forget it, it’s nothing. Then clearly audible they hear something resembling a strange stifled kind of sob, almost human.

Steve: Let’s see what it is, we’ve got nothing better to do.

Crew: Then we go to the beer tent, ok?

Steve: I suppose so.

Crew does a self-fist bump.

They walk towards the origin of the sobbing sound and find themselves around the back of a small marquee, they see a signpost and an arrow which indicates that this is the Séance Tent.

The stifled sobbing is coming from a green wheelie bin behind the marquee. They cautiously open the lid of the bin and peer inside.

John: What is it?

Crew: I can’t see anything. Wait a minute, what’s that. It’s a doll, hey it’s Stookie Bill.

Crew: It’s nice to see you again Stookie Bill, what on Earth happened to you? Last time we saw you you were having the time of your life on stage and in a crowd-surfing ectasy, now you’re in the blue wheelie bin full of rubbish.

Steve peers into the bin with Crew.

Steve: He’s in with the recyclables, I wonder what they intend to recycle him into.

Stookie Bill is still sobbing and seems to grow dimly aware of Crew and Steve, but he has clearly now found someone to articulate his woes to.

Stookie Bill: They threw me out.

Crew: Why did they throw you out?

Steve: I bet I can guess.

Crew: What happened Stookie?

Stookie Bill: They used me, used me for my amazing talents and skills, then when they’d done with me, they threw me out, isn’t that right Mrs Thompson? The voice of an elderly lady called Mrs Thompson emanates from Stookie Bill Oh yes, I should say so dearie, what they did to you was a livid outrage on the very book of life itself. I would have a word with the ombudsman and the local council about it. You should get some redress for the abuse you have suffered you poor poor little muffin.

Steve: Who’s Mrs Thompson when she’s at home?

Mrs Thompson: speaking through Stookie Bill She’s not at home, she talking through my friend Stookie Bill, he’s a channel for the spirits of the dead, and he’s very good at it, he was asked to reach the Master of the Twisted Sound, known as elder Demon Xa’ligha in the Heart of Infinite Dissonance, on behalf of Lady Gaga because she needs some nauseating new sounds for her new album. But once the members of the Dark Circus coven were done with him they dropped him in here.

Steve: There’s more to it than that surely?

Mrs Thompson: Well, maybe he did rub a few of the occultists up the wrong way with his playful merry ways but that’s…. she is interrupted by the return of Stookie Bill.

Stookie Bill: That’s enough Ethel.

John: So you can become possessed by the spirits of the dead?

Stookie Bill: Yes, what of it?

John: Turning to Steve Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Steve: Yes I am. Do you think we can fit him with a HDMI cable?

Crew: So who’s side are you on? 

Stookie Bill: I’m on my side, and if you want to join me you can but I won’t have you talking in an uncivil manner to me again, and if you intend to then leave me in this bin and go about your business and leave me at least my dignity.

Steve: Dignity? You’re in a blue recycling bin and will probably end up in the masher down at the depot to be turned into a plant pot or something.  Where’s the dignity in that?

Stookie Bill: Starts sniveling Well at least I won’t be mocked anymore. Nobody abuses plant-pots, they respect them and I’ll be left in peace again.

Crew: Come on Stookie, he reaches in and takes him out of the bin it’s nothing personal, we love you really, and we always tease the ones we love most anyway, it’s how you know that your  friendship is a lasting one, it’s just banter between mates.

John Hampton: Actually I think Crew is right about this and not just trying to make you feel better with mollifying platitudes, It’s human psychology. Real friends occasionally mock each other as a subtle subconscious test of their friendship to make sure that person will stick with them through thick and thin, if they can’t take a bit of laugh maybe at their expense then what will happen if they are in a really tight spot and the friend counts on them, obviously they’re not to be relied upon.

Steve: So you see Stookie, even though I didn’t know it myself, my mocking you all along was me testing our friendship, I must say I’m surprised but there you go. We all missed you when you went away, and Crew actually went missing for a few days and came back a Zombie, and we only managed to save him using cups of sugared tea and an assortment of pens.

Stookie stops sniveling.

Stookie Bill: Hopefully Really? Crew went missing and turned into a Zombie, because of me?

Crew: Well, I suppose so. To Steve ruefully Do you have to mention the pens?

Stookie Bill: Thanks lads, so you were my best friends all along.

Steve: Er…. Crew gives him a look. Of course.

John Hampton: So what are they up to?

Stookie Bill: Who?

John Hampton: The Dark Circus of course, all this, what are they planning? When they hypnotized Crew they told him something about mass population reduction.

Stookie Bill: Oh, all that. Yeah, I think that’s what they’re up to. Blandly They’re going to kill everyone for the good of planet Earth while keeping an elite population alive in a Zombie state of total servility.

Steve: Well you don’t seem to concerned about it.

Stookie Bill: It’s not really my problem, I’m a wooden puppet, they can’t kill me.

Steve: Well it’s a big deal to us and we’re your friends remember, we’ll die too because we’re not made of wood.

Stookie Bill: Oh I’d forgotten about that, yes I suppose this could be quite a serious concern to you. Well I’ll help you as best I can. Let me tell you what I heard from the Dark Circus Coven. They were talking about a pink lazer which is flown in which will instantly zombify the whole festival, which will guarantee their survival during the next phase. It works by opening up a portal of access in the third-eye to the Lovecraft dimension to allow mass possession of the surviving elite population by the ancient archons. The aerosolized plague rainbow discharge flyby will take place on cue when there will be a live invocation to the Horned God of Nature by the girls of Saint Winifred's School Choir, though of course they will be described as a chemical fly-by to help reduce global warming which I suppose in a manner of speaking will be true since without people there probably won’t be so many pollutants in the atmosphere. The Zombies will be carrying the plague which they have breathed in through the fly-by but they also have immunity as long as they drink the hyper-cola which is why it’s being given away for free. Nearly everyone will have at least tasted the stuff and even a sip is enough to acquire immunity from what they’re calling a space-plague. Within a week the plague will destroy most of the population of the UK and due to inviting ten specially chosen international guests from all the countries of the world as some part of Love the World Hard, UN celebration, the plague will be taken to their countries where they will then ravage those populations. Mass human population reduction in less than one month and a New World Order led by the Dark Circus and the Sexy Sexy Blackness. 

John Hampton: That's not good. 

Crew: No. I hate cola. 

Steve: Eh? 

Crew: We'll have to drink some if we want immunity from the plague, then make sure we get out of here before the pink lazer show starts and we'll be alright.

Steve: Well not exactly, the world will still end and the survivors will be zombies possessed by the ancient Archons just like you were. 

Crew: Well if we fail to save the world at least we know how to save ourselves now.

Steve: Yeah but it's not the good ending is it Crew? We want the good ending don't we?

Crew: Yeah, I guess. But what do we do? We haven't got the Ghoulatron anymore.

John: This might seem weird to you Stookie Bill, but what with your channeling skills do you think we can somehow connect you to the 4d biomass screen and summon our dead popstar friends to give whatever message it is that they think will allow all this end of the world stuff to be put to bed.

Stookie Bill: I don't know about that, I'm not exactly a creature of the digital age as you well know. But from Baird's experiments with signal transmission the challenge was always to find a way to encode and send the signal and decode the signal, but since I am not an inanimate machine but alive then I can do all of this just with my will. Get me to the apparatus and we shall see.

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Act 6 Scene 5: Who's Charlie?
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