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 Act 6 Scene 4: E998 for that Fun Floaty Feeling.

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PostSubject: Act 6 Scene 4: E998 for that Fun Floaty Feeling.   Fri Sep 07, 2018 2:25 pm

The Hype-Aid concert at Deadfield, Wiltshire.

A singer comes on, Wetter than Wet, he sings he famous number one song, Make you Wet. As he starts to sing white Doves fly out from a compartment in the stage. He finishes his song and starts to address the audience.

Wetter than Wet: For peace and for the children, I just wanna say a few words. About where we all are right now as a world. Some truths need to be revealed. We are living in a time of fascism, we have to stop the Nazi Brexit. For the children. I love children.

He goes off stage and a wry secular TV funny man who is compering the event scurries onstage.

Wry secular TV Funny man: Ladies and Gentlemen, girls and little boys, I am secular TV funny-man here for your delight, to give you the correct intellectual perspective about our festival. I now stand here smug and self-secure despite my many sins which no one knows about, not a loose nut or screw in these turbulent times, on the TV, a restorative, reassuring Cockbridge educated, member of the mainstream media moral oligarchy. Girls and little boys, I prefer little boys, draw closer and let me tell you the truth. I run it all. Yes I do. Magic is real. I am a 91 degree Royal King of the twisted Bridge. I am secretly, a powerful wizard. My power is limitless. My mind and soul is inside you, but soon, you will be inside me as well. Wouldn’t that be sweet and lovely? Speaking of lovely, let me introduce you to my special friend, Duchess Cunt.

A scowling woman with deliberately terrible make-up and drug-skank tattoos comes onto the stage.

Duchess Cunt: Starts speaking as she walks onstage Cunt is my name! Cunt is my nature!  I am not ashamed of my cunt. And they call me a cunt in the right-wing chatrooms and they are right, but I flagged them anyway and they all got banned, because I am the biggest CUNT of them all. I am Duchess Cunt and I love children. We all love children here. I’ve got something to tell you about the patriarchy. The best way to bring peace to the children to teach them not to think because language was invented by the evil Patriarchy to oppress the women, hell I’m a woman and I can’t even give myself a name without being reminded that there’s a man who wants to get inside me. 

So my friends in charge of everything have decided that we’re going to ban language, all languages so we will finally all be the same. Nobody will be allowed to speak because words are ideas and ideas are used to enslave us. Taking us from the paradise of infinite possibility, of day-dreaming and meditating on our own inner beauty. We don’t need religion because God is a man. He has MANipulated all of us humans into MANifold delusions and methods of tyranny of his MANufacture. The MANisfestation of this MANipulation is encoded into the very words we MANage to speak. I can MANage without a man thanks. I can age, gracefully, not like cheese as the hate-filled masculinists accuse us, while they age like wine. Well WHINE is quite appropriate because they do whine like babies. We shall have no more men, instead we are all going to learn how to be Woo. We are the WOO, the life of the womb, the mystery of the sacred WOO being inside the very body of what they call ‘woman’.  This way, when we have all stopped thinking and having oppressive ideas, we will finally be receptive to the voice of the Goddess within!

My children yes, we are all going to be transformed. Then we will all be allowed to love each other as much as we like. Goodbye, I love you.

There are whoops and cheers from the crowd.

A 3d advert appears on the 3d screen.

Advert: We are also pleased to introduce a brand-new product, Hyper-Cola, we’ve been doing months of rigorous testing of this new cola on teenagers in South Wales. Has everyone got their free-Hyper-cola? Hyper-Cola new has 250 percent MORE Acesulfame K for added hyperactivity and even more E998 for that fun floaty feeling.

There are cheers and woops from the crowd.

Everyone here today gets free Hyper Cola for the whole day and remember if you don’t drink Hyper-Cola with the new secret ingredient then you won’t hear the special subliminal music messages and win big prizes in Hyper Cola’s Psychic-Zombie Playtime Experience competition.  Only children will be able to hear the exciting digital signal hidden in a secret carrier-wave which could be broadcast at the festival at any time and any children who correctly follow the instructions will win a prize. Any children reported having seizures are urged to quickly make their way to the Deadfield Cola backstage VIP area for extra prizes and the chance to meet Lady Gaga and special little boys will be directed towards Elton John and friends VIP private sauna and relaxation area.

Stephen Wry: So listen out for those sounds in your head. You know how dogs go crazy when they hear a high pitched noise? Well it’ll be a little bit like that. It’ll certainly be an interesting spectacle I’m sure. And now, boys and girls and ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce another one of my very special friends, give a firm stiff hand to Bobby Mason and his very special, but slightly bad tempered, magical associate.

Bobby Mason runs onto the stage holding an old wooden packing crate with the words “this way up” the wrong way round.

Bobby Mason: Oooh ‘ello. Looking around quickly Ooh ‘ek, I think I must’ve taken a wrong turning somewhere. I was on me way to take this strange object to the British museum when for some  reason I got into my car and headed West out of London, drove for two hours turned off at Devizes and ended up here. I’ll never ignore that annoying Sat-Nav lady again. She really does know best, but she knows it too doesn’t she? So who are you people? Why are you all gathered here? Is something going on? Is it a wedding? So how are you all? Well, I hope you’ll forgive me for crashing, what’s the bride's name?

Someone in the audience shouts out “Darth Vader”.

Bobby Mason: That’s a pretty name. What about the groom? I can’t be at a wedding if I don’t know the names of both the people getting married.

Someone else shouts out, “Sponge Bob”.

Bobby Mason: Well I must say, it sounds like a marriage made in heaven. I wish them both many years of happiness.

Suddenly there is the sound of tapping from within the crate and a muffled voice.

Stookie Bill:  Who’s getting married?

Bobby Mason: Daft Vader and Sponge Blob apparently.

Stookie Bill: I don’t like the sound of that. I’m old enough to remember Noel Coward’s Gay Divorce coming out but never thought I’d live to see a gay marriage.

Bobby Mason: to the audience I apologise for my friend here, here’s been lying around in a forgotten packing crate for nearly 80 years and he hasn’t been fully debriefed into the ways of the 21st century yet.

Steve: Can you hear that?

Crew: Why you asking me? I’m surprised I can hear anything after John’s mistreatment of me.

John Hampton: You’re back to normal aren’t you? What are you complaining about?

Crew: I felt like a victim of a failed exorcism once you’d done with me.

John Hampton: But it worked, why are you complaining, it was the only way to bring you back.

Crew: I’ll have PTSD over pens for the rest of my life, whenever I see a biro I feel all dizzy. Can’t even go into town for fear of walking too near a stationers.

Steve: That sounds like Stookie Bill! What’s he doing up there?

Crew: Really? Hey Stookie Bill, it’s me!

Stookie Bill doesn’t appear to hear them.

Stookie Bill: Still from within the box It’s Sodom and Gomorrah if you ask me. The End-Times won’t be far off at this rate.

Bobby Mason: You can’t say that. I’d better explain what’s going on to all the wedding guests. You won’t believe this, or you might, in which case don’t forget your medication window, but in this box I have a special puppet from the birth of the TV age. He worked with John Logie Baird himself and he hasn’t been out of the box in 80 years, and If he carries on like that he can stay in there for another 80.

Stookie Bill: Oh please say that, I’m sorry, I take it all back I love Sodom and Gomorrah, I’m definitely on the side of the 21st century and I think it’s time you let me out to see what it’s all about.

Bobby Mason: Are you sure you’re going to be good?

Stookie Bill: I promise.

Bobby Mason opens the crate and suddenly Stookie Bill pops out.

Stookie Bill: Knickers!

Bobby Mason: I thought you said you were going to be good. You promised.

Stookie Bill: But I had my fingers crossed.

Bobby Mason: You wily old wrangler….wait a minute, you don’t have any fingers.

Stookie Bill: I know. I don’t have anything to cross, not even a heart.

The audience make an ‘awwww’ sound of sympathy.

Stookie Bill: Knickers.

The audience laughs.

Crew: It IS Stookie Bill, our Stookie Bill, what’s he doing up there?

Steve: He doesn’t look like our Stookie Bill anymore, looks like he’s found a job working with the other side.

Crew: What do we do?

Steve: I don’t know, but I bet he’s loving it.

The performance continues onstage.

Bobby Mason: So what do you think of the 21st Century then Stookie Bill?

Stookie Bill: looking out at the audience They have pretty big weddings don’t they?

Bobby Mason: Hmmm, you know what, I’m not even sure this is a wedding. It’s something even better I think.

Stookie Bill: sarcastically What could possibly ever be better than a wedding?

Bobby Mason: A benefit concert. That’s what this is, it’s a benefit concert, it’s all coming back to me now, and they booked me as a lighthearted ventriloquist dummy act.

Stookie Bill: So who’s the dummy?

Bobby Mason: You are of course.

Stookie Bill: How do you work that out?

Bobby Mason: Because I make you speak.

Stookie Bill: So how can I disprove this theory of yours?

Bobby Mason:  How can you? Since I control your words if I don’t want you to speak you don’t get to speak. Like this. There is a moment of silence during which Stookie Bill seems inert and doesn’t speak.

Stookie Bill: Like what? What if I were to speak at the same time as you? Surely that would disprove your conceit that you are the ventriloquist and I am the dummy?

Bobby Mason: uneasily But how can you do that. Bobby Mason is interrupted by Stookie Bill who appears to talk over him.

Stookie Bill: Well there we are dear wedding guests or whatever you are, I have shown that in this instance I am not the dummy.

Bobby Mason is speechless.

Stookie Bill: What’s the matter? This isn’t in the script is it? But it’s all in my script. The secret mystery of Stookie Bill. And here I am, alive and well and ready for the all the crazy desperate joys of the 21st Century.  I’m coming. With that he throws himself off the stage and into the audience.

Crew: He’s just thrown himself into the crowd. I think he’s crowd-surfing.

Steve: Let’s try to grab him.

Crew: Why? He’s his own man….er puppet. We can’t just grab him.

Steve: Yes we can, I want to know what he’s up to.

They try to move closer to reach Stookie Bill and at one point he crowdsurfs right in front of them making noises of delight and obvious glee. Steve reaches out but just as he does so a current in the crowd quickly moves him away from them, and they follow his small wooden puppet body before it disappears.

John: Well that’s that then.

Crew: He’s having the time of his life. By the looks of things he wouldn’t want to come with us anyway. What have we got to offer him compared to all this?

Steve: Crew, you’re forgetting buddy, we’re saving the world, not trying to have a good time.

Crew: Well that’s just as well isn’t it? We paid a fortune for these tickets, can’t we just go to the beer tent and get pissed on cider first and take it from there.

Steve: Noone saves the world pissed on cider. It isn’t possible.

Crew: Well last time we saved the world we were permanently stoned, maybe this time it’s a cider powered mission. Can’t I have just one?

Steve: I’m not your dad Crew, I can’t tell you what to do, but NO you can’t have a cider. If we manage to save the world you can drink all the cider you want but only after the job is done, anyway this is all your fault, you’re the one who had that crazy dream about Bill Hicks in the first place. Did he say you could drink cider?

Crew: He made no mention of it.

Steve: For good reason. No cider. 

John: We’d better get a move on if we’re going to meet up with Dr Kemble, we need to get on with the plan and find a way to hook-up the Spookatron.

Steve: I thought we were calling it the Spectavision.

Crew: I like Bogey box best.

John: Let’s go.

Crew: But what about Stookey Bill?

Steve: I think he’s found what he always wanted. Forget about him.

Crew makes a sad noise.

They spot Dr Kemble who is suspiciously eyeing something which he appears to have just purchased from a festival food van.

Dr Kemble: Ahhh, you’ve arrived just in time. Do you have any idea what this item is?

Crew: It’s a sausage Dr Kemble.

Dr Kemble: So I’ve been led to believe but I have my doubts. It’s bright red. This is not the usual colour for sausages in my experience which I have to say although moderate is still fairly representative or the genus.

Steve: It’s called a Saveloy.

Dr Kemble: Is it? Hmm. In the Pickwick Papers Charles Dickens mentions a  Saveloy as an accompaniment to Abernethy biscuit and Porter beer but I do not feel he can have been referring to any article quite like this. Come to think of it there are quite numerous references to Saveloys in Dickens. David Copperfield himself if I recall states that he used to dine handsomely on a Saveloy and a penny loaf. Personally what I have here is far from handsome and I do not think Victorian England would countenance such things after all the era was renowned for its austerity and public reserve. Are they truly edible?

Steve: Well, they are probably just on the limit. I’d leave it if I were you Dr Kemble, a man like you has no business with such things.

Dr Kemble: I think you are right. I’ll try my luck with the catering again later, though I am loathe to waste food, if ‘food’ is indeed the appropriate taxonomy. 

Crew: I’ll have it if you don’t want it.

Dr Kemble: By all means, stout fellow.

Dr Kemble hands the Saveloy over to Crew as if he is helping him dispose of a volatile toxic substance. Crew happily eats the Saveloy while Dr Kemble gives him to occasional sideways glance to make sure that Crew is still ok.

Dr Kemble is momentarily distracted with curiosity as he watches Crew eat the Saveloy.

Dr Kemble: Oh yes, of course. Here it is. He takes out, a much smaller version of the Spectatron.

Crew: Wow, a pocket TV, I haven’t seen one of these bad boys since the 80’s.

Dr Kemble: It’s exactly the same as the one you saw in the lab except it’s smaller and Japanese, but it's still radioactive.

Steve: That's reassuring. 


Dr Kemble: It’s a black and white screen but it makes no odds because for some reason all the images we get from the next world are in black and white.

Crew: Kooowul. I prefer watching TV in black and white anyway.

Dr Kemble: So whatever you do, do not turn this knob.

Steve: Why can’t we touch the knob?

Dr Kemble: Because this is the precise frequency band which you can will be able to make contact with, ahem, ‘them’. If you move this you will not be able to make contact and it took me hours to find the precise narrow frequency range, they presently occupy just a couple of hertz, almost halfway between BBC 2 and ITV 1.

Steve: So you have to tune them in? Why don’t you just remove the knob?

Dr Kemble: Because for some reason the signal actually drifts from day to day, I’m not quite sure why, it might be something to do the change in intensity in solar radiation and the relative position of the sun to the Earth which effects the signal, or minute fluctuations in the energy level of the aetheric flux.

John: So what you’re saying is, don’t touch that dial!

Dr Kemble: Precisely.

Steve: I don't want to touch anything that's radioactive.

Dr Kemble: It's only mildly radioactive. 

Steve: That's what they say about Fukushima and I wouldn't touch that either.

Crew: How do you switch it on?

Dr Kemble: Just press the on button, it works just like a pocket TV. Oh, and it has an HDMI output and a Display Port output, since you may need to have all bases covered.

Steve: So what’s our plan?

Dr Kemble: Personally speaking I’ve no idea what your next move will be, my part in all this is over gentlemen, I’ve given you the tools now it’s up to you to work with them and do whatever it is you feel you need to do. I’m going to hit the beer tent until Sting comes on.

Crew: Wish I could go with you, at least until Sting comes on.

John: Thanks Brian, I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for us.

Dr Kemble: I hope you succeed whatever it is you’re doing. Personally in matters like this it is best not to ask too many questions because such answers will probably be a heavy burden to a simple man like me. Now after staying up all night to work on that thing at home and then driving down here to make sure you get it in time, I’m going to have a drink or ten.

They all shake hands with Dr Kemble and he waves as he wanders off to find the nearest beer tent.

Steve: Dr Kemble exeunt.

Crew: Oh he’s not that bad.

Steve: No I mean…never mind.

John: I’ve got an HDMI cable and Display Port one, just in case.

Steve: Why don’t we try to find that pink laser thing and just destroy it? Then we wouldn’t need to mess about with all this dead popstars nonsense.

Crew: How can you call it nonsense? It’s amazing. We’ve done something no one has ever done before and invented the world’s most amazing technology. We can finally prove the existence of the afterlife.

Steve: Yeah but they’ll make a mess of it, they always do.

Crew: What do you mean?

Steve: Look at television, it was supposed to be an educational tool Look at the internet. Terrence McKenna called it ‘the global brain we’ve all been hungering for’ but it’s mostly porn, cute cats and people arguing. Some brain! The same thing will happen with this bogeybox thing. First thing that will happen if it gets commercialized is that people will use it to do black magic to harass their enemies and send ghosts to prank their friends. It’ll be a living hell. Once we do whatever we’re supposed to do with it, we have to forget about it, in fact we have to destroy it.

Crew: Wow. Maybe you’re right.

John: I think he probably is. So we destroy this thing once it’s served its purpose. Fine by me.

Steve: But what are we even doing anyway? From what you said John once that pink lazer thing gets activated everyone turns into a zombie and it's over.

John: That’s scheduled to be the highlight of the event, after a charity appeal by the Twisted Sisterhood which are going to come on once Sting has cleared all his bongos and shit off the stage, it’s some kind of after-school witchcraft group or something, they’ve been approved by Ofsted, they’re’s going to be some kind of special show on the 4D bio-screen, then they’re going to use the pink laser during the Dark Circus’ show. I heard it on the radio.

Steve: Can’t we just try to destroy or sabotage the pink laser and end all of this without having to have recourse to dead pop-stars?

John: It’s not here, it’s being flown in with great fanfare along with Sir Nob Dogbeard. 

Crew:  Switches on the machine. Why don’t we ask Bill what we’re supposed to do?

Steve: Ok, let’s go somewhere quiet with a bit of shade, we won’t be able to see anything in this light.

Crew: Let’s go to the Stoned Circle, it’s pretty quiet up there.

Steve: There’s no people there right?

Crew: Oh there are people, but they’ll all be high on hippy-crack you won’t even know they're  there.

They get to the Stoned Circle and Crew’s predictions are proven true, the only sound is the occasional sound of a nitrous oxide balloon being squeaked into someone.

Steve: What’s hippy crack?

Crew: Nitrous-oxide: laughing gas.

Steve: So how come noone’s laughing?

John: Maybe they don’t have much of a sense of humour.

Crew: Noone will take any notice of us here, they’re all locked in their own mute sullen euphoria.

Steve: What a terrible drug. At least if they were on acid a couple would be running around being weird and freaked out and providing some edgy festival entertainment, this is just grim.

Crew finds a spot under a tree and starts messing with the fine-tuning knob.

Crew: Hey, I’ve got one! Look guys, look who it is!

Steve: Oh God no, I told you no Jacko.

Crew: But come on, it’s Michael Jackson after all, look he can still move.

Steve: I want nothing to do with him.

Crew: Listen, he’s speaking to us. Wow, Michael Jackson is actually talking to us, can you believe it?

Michael Jackson: Hey guys, you need to help me. I’m in fizzy-pop star hell, I have to atone for all my crimes against those children.

Crew: So you really did what they said you did?

Michael Jackson: Yes. I poisoned the world’s children with a fizzy brown sugary drink, and the diet version was even worse, here in fizzy-pop star hell they torture me with images of sick people whose disease is caused by the artificial sweetener in soft drinks but hardly anybody in the world know it, it’s one of hell’s biggest secrets. Even the sufferers never make the connections and the doctors tell them they can keep drinking it, and without knowing it, it makes them worse because the aspartame strips the myelinated coating from the neurons so they become inflamed and can longer carry a charge. The symptoms are what is known as multiple-sclerosis.

Steve: What about the other thing to do with children?

Crew: Don’t heckle him, he’s already in hell what more do you want?

Michael Jackson: The only way I can get out of this bad place is by…..

Suddenly the image of Michael Jackson fades back into the chaos of frantic swirling static.

Crew: Hey Michael, where did you go?

Just as suddenly Jackson is reformed from the swirling static.

Michael Jackson: I have to help you, you need to get me back on stage. If I can speak to the world again I can try to reverse some of the damage I’ve done.

Steve: Are you saying you’re going to heal the world? Make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race? As long as you don’t intend to make any more stinkers like that I’m on your side.

Jackson suddenly disappears again replaced by swirling patterns of static, after a few moments it appears he is gone for good so Crew starts turning the fine-tune dial in the hope of tuning back into Jackson. The static stops and reforms into the shape of a man. But it’s not Michael Jackson.

Jimmi Hendrix: You’re in the groove with channel 27, the channel 27 club gives a voodoo chile welcome to our living friends out there on that sweet and green little planet. We are still shining but our light is dying fast in this place of shadows and pain.

Crew: Hey Jimmi, that’s what Jackson said, he said he was being tormented, what are they doing to you and why?

Jimmi Hendrix: My old manager is here with me, the uncool cat who murdered me because I wanted to be free but ol’ Jimmi in his grave made a deal with the devil to get his revenge, and three years later, in the blink of my dead eye, Jeffery came to join me, but I didn’t know he was already working for the devil and so he put ol’ Jimmi right back to work and it’s a frustrating mess ‘cause this time my guitar won’t stay in tune for more than ten seconds and I never know if it’s going up or down.  

Crew: I had a guitar like that once Jimmi don’t worry.

Steve: Because you left it next to the radiator all the time.

Jimmi Hendrix: I can get out of this hell but I need to make amends by saying one last thing to the world which I always wanted to say and thought I would have time enough to say it some day, and that one thing will be enough to break free of the voodoo life for ever and join the shining light that makes ol' Jimmi's eyes cry to think of the sight of it.

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Act 6 Scene 4: E998 for that Fun Floaty Feeling.
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