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 Act 5 Scene 6 In the movies baby!

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PostSubject: Act 5 Scene 6 In the movies baby!   Thu Feb 12, 2015 5:54 pm

Steve and Crew are  ready to be sacrificed during the production of a piece of theatre in which they will star but in which will also be killed for real.  

 
Well known Hollywood movie director: Ok my dears, are we all going to stop fidgeting and get on our marks?
 
Steve: I’m not an actor they’re going to kill me!
 
Director: Oh never mind all the union red-tape luvvie we’ll sort that out.
 
Steve: No, it’s not that! I mean, they’re going to kill me.
 
Director: Oh don’t you worry about that, you’re going to be in a special film. Perhaps the rarest and most powerful film in the world. All of those movies I make are nothing compared to this momentarily lost for words …quintessence of raw nature. Yes that’s it, life sex and death, all real. Total-theatre, where the theatre becomes the reality. What then? oh popcorn chomping plebian, what then? When the doors of the theatre won’t let you out because the film is still in your head starts laughing demonically.
 
Steve: You’re fucking nuts.
 
Big Fella: suddenly standing up and growling loudly If you don’t watch your foul mouth I’ll pull it out of your face. I don’t care what they’ve got planned for y’, if you get on the wrong side of me I’ll kill you meself.
 
Crew looks at Steve and silently mouths the word: Holy fuck!
 
Director: Slowly No, not nuts. After a pause But I have had a fair bit of fruit! Haha! delighted with his apparent ‘joke’ Come on cheer up you guys, we’re gonna be rolling in a few minutes. I can only do so much in the edit, I need you guys to help me to help you to help you look good in this. This is big guys! It’s the role of your life. Laughing and jostling with Crew You’re in the movies baby!
 
Crew: Really? To Steve Am I in the movies baby?
 
Steve: No. We’re about to be killed and they’re going to film it. It’s called a ‘snuff-movie’ and it’s the one movie you don’t want to be in.
 
Crew: Why?
 
Steve: Well, let’s say, ‘because you never get paid.’
 
Crew: Johnny Depp did?
 
Steve: Johnny Depp did what?
 
Crew: Got paid. For selling himself to a snuff film for Marlon Brando.
 
Steve: Oh? Never heard of that theory. How would that work anyway because Brando is dead and Depp is alive? Did it backfire or something?
 
Crew: Maybe, it’s in the movie The Brave.
 
Steve: So it’s a movie?
 
Crew: It got slated. It’s sort of weird. But very colourful.
 
Steve: Oh. Ok. After a pause er Crew, you do presumably know that the movies are not real, but the actors ARE real people? It wasn’t Johnny Depp’s life in the film, he was playing a character.
 
Crew: He wrote and directed it!
 
Steve: Really? Even so, it’s not about Johnny Depp’s life.
 
Crew: How do you know?
 
Steve: Huh?

Docs: intervening I think we’re getting sidetracked from the real issue at hand.

 
Director: gleefully A timely interruption there sir, I couldn’t have paced it better myself. If only we could work together again, but alas no, the Gods have decreed that we should meet just this one night under this fabled hill and….
 
Steve: seriously to the director Can you stop being a twat for one second please, while we think of a way out of this.
 
Director: Oh I’m sorry Duckie, there’ll be no ‘way out of this’ for you considering though if you were Equity I’d be duty bound to get you out of this mess, but as it is! You’re not in the union so you have no rights. 
 
Crew: I don’t want to be in the movies baby. I’m scared, I think you’re weird.
 
Director: Behave yourself darlings or you’ll lose speech-rights. In fact, Daisy motioning to a big security guard Tie them and gag them up would you love?
 
Big Fella: My name’s not Daisy y’puff.
 
Crew: It’s Big Fella!
 
Director:  Looking Big Fella up and down Hey who let you in? You’re not one of us.

Big Fella: Oh yes I am. Me and mine was here a long time before your pansy breed danced its way into town. I’m old-school evil, not like you effeminate monkeys in the media playing tricks with people’s minds. Nothing false about me, I’ve got no false airs, the only thing stopped me tearing you from arsehole to beak is my allegiance to a fellow Tailor. I hate you and your sordid life and I would kill you myself, but evil days make for strange fellow travelers, and we must work together.


Director: Work together? With you! Never! You sordid ape! You baboon! You lumpen lump of a man. I shall not share a stage with such as thee. Screams loudly.

 
Another big fella comes  over suddenly hurries to the sound of the screaming.
 
Even Bigger Fella: What is it?
 
Director: It’s this man, he is not one of us. He persecuted me because of my sexuality. I am a victim of persecution!
 
Even Bigger Fella: Oh how terrible! looks over to the security guard we’ll have him fed to ravening wild dogs we keep penned in the woods gives him a wink Come with me you vile disgusting and revolting little man.
 
Big Fella: snorts It’s not me who shoves me wedge up another man’s coal cupboard.
 
Even Bigger Fella: That’s enough of that, remember the dogs.
 
Big Fella: with a wry smile Oh the terror! Still, hungry dogs would be better company than ‘im.
 
They leave and station themselves outside.
 
 Even Bigger Fella is heard to say ‘what a twat!’…..
 
The Director frowns then glares at Steve, Crew and Docs.
 
Crew: smacking his lips Ooh, I’m feeling really dry, asking the director have you got any water?
 
Director: angrily camp Do I look like a gushing fountain? No, I haven’t got any water.
 
Crew: I’m drying up here. I feel like I’m turning into a cricket. All itchy and hot. Don’t like it.
 
Docs: Yes, this man has been drugged, he is in need of medical attention.
 
Director: Is he? Well I’m sorry my dears but I’ve left my nurse’s costume at home. Just get on your marks dahings we’re ready to shoot this.
 
Pluto comes forward and readies himself for his performance.
 
Pluto: Pluto is ready!
 
Crew: Wait a minute, I’m not ready, what are my lines?

Director: Archly You don’t have any lines dahling, you’re not in the union!


Crew: But what do I have to do?

 
Director: All you have to do is die darling. Getting camply flustered Now can we get on?
 
The props-manage hands Pluto a sharpened trident and the director starts filming.
 
Steve: looking at the trident: Bloody hell, what’s that for?
 
The director is furious that Steve has spoken and gesticulates wild throat cutting gestures and fist pummels aimed at Steve. He is hissing with rage.
 
Pluto comes towards them, he readies himself to lunge at Steve with his trident, he comes closer, raises his arms back and is about to stab when the sounds of a mobile phone is heard. It is The Raider’s of the Lost Ark theme tune, the director is incandescent with rage now and starts shouting.

Director: Right that’s it! Let’s go again.

 
John Hampton: shaking his head No, that’s a rap. And punches the director unconscious.
 
Crew: sardonically Good afternoon Dr Jones.
 
John Hampton: winks I’m alright kid,
 
Steve: What was all that performance, selling us out? We thought it was real.
 
John Hampton: Well, it kind of was. But I had it all planned and I knew I could snap out of it on-queue with the audio cue, but above all, you had to believe it was real. These people can perfectly read your mind you know.
 
Steve: Really?
 
John Hampton: Well, yeah. That’s why these people join these sorts of gangs. They get a hint that some people out there can do something that they can’t and they imagine that something will make all their dreams come true. So they join up and can’t wait to have all those amazing psychic powers. Doesn’t really turn out to be as good as they thought it would be though.
 
Crew: Can you read minds?
 
John Hampton: Er, well I used to. Then I learned how not to again.
 
Crew: How come?
 
John Hampton: Well, when you get the power it’s like a tap which is gushing all this stuff into your head, except you can’t turn it off. Anyway these people  can read you like a book. You HAD to believe I had betrayed you, if not we would all have been in the stew right from the get-go. You see I knew they were going to hypnotise me anyway, so there’s no way I wouldn’t have denounced you, however, if I believed I had already denounced you, then my hypnotized self would be satisfied, and thus phase two of the plan, how to break their spell: It’s taken me years to implant the Raiders of the Last Arc  theme tune as a trigger to full recall, they said it couldn’t be done, but I have broken the back of their mind-control! And now we shall break the back of the Tailors?
 
Crew: How?
 
John Hampton: Not sure yet. I think we’d better try to track down those bangers of yours, if only I can remember what my silly hypnotized self did with them.
 
Docs: Maybe we can use the bangers to break Cecilia’s trance.
 
Crew: What if she doesn’t smoke?
 
Steve: Crew, be serious.
 
Crew: I can’t man, I’m tripping!

Steve: You’re not tripping, it’s called being poisoned, this isn’t a squat rave Crew.

 
Crew: I’m just trying to get my groove on, don’t bring me down.
 
Steve: Bring you down? 
 
John Hampton: Leave him, we ought to find him some water though. I think he’ll be alright, he might get a bit of nausea though, they won’t have spiked him with anything synthetic, they only use organic natural plant derived drugs here, they’re fanatical about health and nutrition, too bad they let their spiritual health go to shit though. So he’s bound to get mushroom-belly sooner or later. Would have been a high dose as well, no half measures here, so he’s only in the beginning stages of the trip. They could have given him ergot extract or pure psylocibin.
 
Crew: So I am tripping?
 
John Hampton: Well just hang on to your pants because the trip has only just begun. Is this feeling familiar to you?
 
Crew: Of course, feels like acid.
 
John Hampton: Well, get ready to start entering doors within doors because it’s going to get hyper. If you love tripping your nuts off and possibly temporarily losing your mind, you’ll be ok.

Crew: Great! You guy’s’ll look after me though.

 
Docs and Steve unite and do a group fist bump with Crew, John Hampton joins them.
 
Steve: Don’t worry bud, we’re here for you. We’ll try to keep up huh?
 
Crew: Thanks man. Oh wow! Something’s happening. Crew’s eyes become wide wide open. Huh! A grunt of surprise and slight alarm. I’m coming up.
 
Steve: I thought you’d already come-up?
 
Crew: I’m coming up again Steve, it’s a trip within a trip.
 
John Hampton: sagely Doors within doors, yeah, I know the stuff he’s on now, it’s Devil’s weed.
 
Steve: Of course, how could it not be?
 
John Hampton: continuing But they’ve cut it with mescalin. They drugged British soldiers with it at Jamestown..
 
Crew: suddenly crying out Uhh Steve, there’s something moving, all over me. Ahh look, BUGS! Panicking get the bugs off me Steve!
 
Steve: Crew, I can’t see any bugs.
 
Crew: I can, at least I can feel them and sometimes I can see them, Urggh! Yes, there they are, swarming all over, you’ll have to squash them all over me, I can’t stand it, I can’t stand swarming insects Steve you know that.


Crew: motioning to Steve where the bugs are Here Steve here, squish your hand right on this spot, there’s hundreds.
 
Steve: uncertainly Well buddy, I can’t see ‘em, but I’m going to help you out buddy, you tell me where and I’ll squish ‘em! Steve is happily slapping Crew’s body wherever he indicates and this goes on for several moments.
 
John Hampton: intervening No Steve that’s not going to help, there’ll only be more, from the crushed bodies of the dead insects a dozen eggs hatch and more appear. I know the terrain on this one, they use it in the initiations. Had it many times. Addressing Crew Crew, there’s no bugs there, you’re body is just itching as a slight reaction to the slight toxicity of the Jimson weed, your body is experiencing symptoms so your now activated subconscious mind is filling in the picture to explain what it is feeling. It’s kind of like a waking dream.
 
John suddenly lowers his head and brings down Docs and Steve for a chat on the down-low.
 
John Hampton: Guys, don’t react, but Crew may die.
 
Steve: a surpressed shushed roar Whaaat! You said he was tripping.
 
John Hampton: It was fine until he got the bugs, that’s a sign that the toxicity is strong, it is a capricious plant. You never know how strong it is, it varies from plant to plant and to leaf to leaf, that’s why they love using it, adds a note of danger to the initiations.
 
Docs: Do people die during the initiations?
 
John Hampton: with the mock Tailor ‘charm’ No of course not old boy. Wouldn’t be fitting for the poor deluded ol’ beggar to die half way through the holy ceremony, they die when they get home. After the initiations and the party.
 
Steve: Oh my God that’s terrible.
 
John Hampton: Of course it is, these guys ain’t the boy scouts. That way they blame his death on excess at the banquet. Our man slides out and presents himself as the undertaker and it all gets rapped up. All very tragic but that’s life.
 
Steve: It’s insane.
 
John Hampton: Welcome to the Illuminati. They are insane. The drugs Russian roulette is only one of the many ‘excitements’ which come from being ‘one of the boys’, or girls.
 
Steve: Jesus? Are you kidding. What do we do?
 
John Hampton: We just have to see what happens.
 
Docs: Get him some charcoal!
 
Steve: Charcoal?
 
Docs: Charcoal will absorb the toxins and may save him, we’ve got to try it.

John Hampton: Ok guys, that’s the number one priority then, you'd better get out of these blue robes, all the dignitaries wear white robes. If you’re in blue then you’re sure to be sacrificed at some point so you’re unlikely to be at liberty, that means we all need to get changed quick, including me in my crazy watery fancy dress costume. Then we get some charcoal into Crew ok?

 
Steve: Tell him 99 percent chocolate or something and he’ll scoff it without noticing that he’s eating burnt wood.
 
John Hampton: Ok chaps, we’ll get through this, just be natural.
 
Steve: unnaturally So Crew? Er….how you feeling? Cursing himself quietly er I mean, are you hungry?  would you like some chocolate?
 
Crew: have we got some chocolate? I want some water, I’m drying up drying than a dryfly in the dry season.

Steve: momentarily sidetracked and shifting back into character What’s a dryfly?

 
Crew: A dryfly is a flying insect whose bite produces dehydration as a side effect to the toxins in it’s venom.
 
Docs: More dehyrdration.
 
Crew then starts going into an eloquent treatise on life on other planets, in particular the life on a planet known to the inhabitants as Owuluf which include the afore-mentioned Dryfly, the Sausage Stoat and the Strident Penguins, these are obviously translations of the original words in the Owuluf language, but the creatures here, like on many similarly sized rocky planets, are all quite similar, except they different shapes or they have vastly different personalities.
 
Crew: continuing Dogs on Owuluf are very bossy and scrupulously prim and proper, often refraining from the brazen behavior of Earth dogs, at least in public, and they can speak the language because it happens to sound a bit like dogs making noises. Communication  between the Owulufians and the Haughty Dogs began when one of….
 
They leave the room with Crew still jabbering on.    
 
Steve: quietly to the others We’ve got to put a stop to this, life on other planets? Is this real or has he lost his mind?
 
John Hampton: Who knows. Often Devil’s weed use promotes spiritual experiences, travelling without moving, astral projection.  It  is used by the Tailors to contact the extra-dimensional beings. This why it is known as the Devil’s Weed, upon consumption in the hungry times of the 1930’s people would eat it and report meeting the devil and all his little demons. It’s been used in North America for possibly thousands of years by the Cherokee Indians. Half way across the world the dark Hindu cults have also used it for centuries to contact Shiva the destroyer.
 
Steve: Great, another lecture.
 
John Hampton: You should take notes, there’ll be a test.
 
The men change into white robes with cowls. Docs goes off and returns with some charcoal from the incense brazier and has found some water in the director’s bag and he mutters cheeky fucker as he looks at his unconscious body.
 
Docs: Hey Crew, I found that chocolate and some water.
 
Crew: Great.
 
Docs: Here.
 
Docs put the charcoal directly into Crew’s mouth, and then basically forces the water into him, as if he’s giving a cat worming tablets.
 
Crew: Barghghg! What did you do that for?
 
Docs: apologetically Sorry man, I thought you were desperate so I thought I had to kind of force feed you. Did you swallow the charc..c.c.c.c.chocolate?
 
Crew: ruefully Yeah. After a pause Can I have some more?
 
Docs: Er, ok, but just a little he cautiously hands a small piece of charcoal into Crew’s hand, half expecting him to scream that it’s a piece of burnt wood, but instead he pops it happily in his mouth.
 
Crew having eaten his charcoal and drunk some water appears a little happier. John and Steve exchange nervous looks.
 
Crew: What about the Queen?
 
Steve: Queen?
 
Crew: Kora?  Queen of the underworld. Shall we take her with us?
 
Steve: It’s not Kora, it’s Cecilia.
 
Crew: Are you sure? She keeps telling me her name is Kora Queen of the Underworld.
 
Steve: Huh? When? I didn’t see her talk to you Crew?

Crew: Well no because she’s talking straight into my mind. Keeps saying she is Queen of the Whatsit and that we must die soon so we should prepare ourselves by praying to her, and maybe she will reward us in the next life.

 
Steve: to John What he’s talking about now John?
 
John Hampton: thoughtfully Hmmmm, yes he’s picking up an astral psychic connection. Looking at Crew critically. Let’s hope he doesn’t get caught up in her delusion though….

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Act 5 Scene 6 In the movies baby!
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