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 Act 5 Scene 3: We cut our loses at the first sign of Kylie.

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PostSubject: Act 5 Scene 3: We cut our loses at the first sign of Kylie.   Sat Oct 14, 2017 2:29 pm

Crew is wandering disconsolately around Soho. He comes to Bar Italia and peers inside from the pavement. He looks up at the top floor and then peers back into the interior. The café is not particularly busy and he sees several waiters milling around with nothing to do. A couple of them crack a private joke and they both laugh. Suddenly Crew feels rain drops on his face and bald head and a light summer night rain seems to have started.

A voice from behind: Hey Kev. Is that you mate?  
                                          
Crew turns around to where the voice came from and sees a man waiting in a queue outside a music venue across the road.

Man: with obvious delight Kevo. Kevlar. It IS You! A long long time ago in a student halls far far away from night bus stop. I haven’t see you for years mate, how’re you?

For a moment Crew can’t remember the face but the allusion to sharing a flat in student halls which was indeed a long drunken walk from the night bus stop after a Friday night out in London.

Crew: Stu? Is that you?

Stu: Still in the game mate. Still in London too, but living in North London now. I’ve served my time out in South Woodford. Whenever I find myself East of Stratford on the Central Line I swear I can still smell your tuna Beanfeast on the East London breeze.

Crew: Holy crap man, it’s been a long time.

Stu: On paper at least…. But it seems like only yesterday. You’ll never guess who I saw just the other week though: Hannah, she worked for the NME for a bit, but she quit when they wrote a review slagging off William Burroughs. Now she writes children’s books. Something about the urban fox cub club or something and what they get up to when everyone’s asleep. On her way to her first million. She bought me dinner.

Crew: Wow, Hannah. She was always a good girl. Remember when that pigeon laid an egg on her brown jumper when she left her window open over Easter?

Stu: Hahaha. Yeah. Easter pigeon egg. It didn’t hatch though.

Crew: I think she threw it away before it got the chance.

Stu: Maybe it incubated and hatched in the warm depths of the municipal rubbish tip and was raised by a half empty tin of beans and an old mouldy bread loaf.

Crew: Could be.

Stu: Sorry mate I’m dribbling, since meeting Hanah and hearing about her children’s story career I’ve started anthropomorphizing everything. That's the quickest way to a million. I just need the right idea. A half tin of beans raising pigeons at the rubbish tip is probably not the next Harry Potter though.

Crew: What about a talking wooden toy puppet from Scotland who lives in Soho and used to work with John Logie Baird to help him invent television?

Stu: raising his eyebrows Wow, did you just think of that?

Crew: Er…. not exactly.

Stu: That’s an amazing idea. If you’re not going to use it can I have it?

Crew: Well, I’m not sure, there might be objections from some quarters because… it’s true. Crew then considers, well at least it was but I suppose it’s not anymore. He sighs.

Stu looks confused, then brushes it off.

Stu: Well never mind Kevington. It’s given me something to work on. You have to think outside the box. Scottish, puppet, Soho and famous inventor. It works. I’ll just have to come up with something similar.

Crew then looks around at the queue which Stu is currently standing in. He looks around for a poster on the outside to indicate who or what is going in inside.

Crew: Anyway Stu who’s playing?

Stu: looking around at the people around him We don’t know. Nobody knows. We just saw this queue about ten minutes ago and someone said it’s a free show but it’s a mystery about who’s playing. It could be fucking anything. A secret gig. Could be anything from Kings of Leon to…

Crew:  Kylie Minogue?

Stu: Don’t jinx it.

Crew: So does no one know who’s playing?

Crew: Turns to the people next to them Do you know who’s playing?

Bearded hipster: Don’t know but I heard someone say it’s some kind of free charity gig or something.

Suddenly the doors open and the queue starts to move.

Crew is unsure whether to go inside and finds his friend Stu moving away from him towards the opened front door of the music club.

Stu: Are you coming in Kev?

Crew stands on the threshold of the moving human stream unsure what to do and unsure of why he even came to Soho in the first place, the light rain which had been falling becomes a sudden and unexpected downpour. Crew then makes a decision to join the queue and go with Stu into the unknown.

Inside the club, it is a typically dark and subdued atmosphere. There is what appears to be a bar at the back of the club on the other side from the stage.

Crew: What do you want to drink buddy?

Stu: Get us a cider please bud.

Crew goes over to the bar and notices something strange that despite there being a few people already inside there is no one else ordering drinks at the bar. He looks for the familiar brands of lager and cider which one usually sees at the bar but doesn’t see anything indicating hand pumps. He assumes that as is common they have drinks in cans bellow the bar.

Crew: Hi, have you got any cider?

Barstaff: unsmiling and blunt No.

Crew: What about lager then?

Barstaff: No.

Crew is feeling a bit put-out.

Crew looking around and noticing that he is the only one at the bar is suddenly gripped with a terrible presentiment.

Crew: with a growing sense of dread Well what have you got?

Barstaff: Special water.

Crew: repeating dumbly and uncomprehendingly, not quite understanding what the words could mean Special water?

Barstaff: Special water.

Crew: coming to himself and riding the feeling of disappointment Well what’s special about it?

Barstaff: It’s blue.

Crew: Is that it?

Barstaff: And it’s got extracts.

Crew: Coming to the realization that he was talking to someone who isn't quite fully mentally present in this world What kind of extracts?

Barstaff: Special ones.

Crew: Exasperated Jesus. Ok give me two blue special waters please.

Barstaff: Opens and hands over two bottles of special blue water That’ll be 15 pounds.

Crew: Incredulously What?

Barstaff: Well I’ve opened them now, besides it’s for charity, the price is set to make people realise how valuable a commodity water is in some parts of the world.

Crew begrudgingly hands over the money: Well at the moment in this part of the world this valuable commodity is being totally pissed down outside. It must be a frigging goldmine out there I’m missing out on.

Crew: Rhetorically Why the fuck did I just hand over 15 pounds for water? Speaking to the barman have I just entered a weird  parallel universe? Am I in a dystopian Madmax future?
The barman says nothing.

Crew returns to Stu with two bottles of blue water.

Stu: What is it? Blueberry vodka?

Crew: Quietly and forlornly It’s just water. Then adding in the same tone With extracts. It’s all they had.

Stu: Oh.

Crew: Yeah, it’s pretty fucked. They cost 15 quid. Though they came with a free sanctimonious lecture about water being such a rare and valuable commodity in some parts of the world. 

Suddenly brightening up I’ve got a fat J loaded with some heavy dope. Let’s go to the bogs and mash the fuck out of our potatoes.

Stu: Let’s chug this shit down first.

They both drink their bottles of water.

Stu: Hmmm, tastes nice though.

Crew: So do gummy bears. They don’t cost 15 quid though.

Stu: Let me give you some money.

Crew: Nah, it’s my treat. I fancy a beer though. If this starts looking like a shit sandwich or at the first sign of Kylie we cut our losses and just get out of here for a drink.

They go to toilets and light one of Crew’s joints. After a few moments of toking there is suddenly a piercing siren and a sprinkler system drenches Stu and Crew and extinguishes their joint.

Crew: 15 quid for two bottles of water and they’ve just soaked us through for free. I guess that means we’re winning now.

They both return to the auditorium and Crew is about to suggest they leave when the already scant lighting is extinguished completely.

Crew: Maybe they’re trying to save on the fuel bill because light is such a valuable commodity in some parts of the world.

The venue goes silent in anticipation of who knows what show or artist of musical act they are hotly anticipating. 

There total silence and utter darkness for a length of time which starts to become increasingly uncomfortable. Then, after another length of total darkness and utter silence during which the growing sense of discomfort is increased there is a sudden and shocking blaze of pink.

Crew, Stu and the everyone in the venue is rendered completely immobile, paralysed in body and thought by the power of the pink crystal lazer light.

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Act 5 Scene 3: We cut our loses at the first sign of Kylie.
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