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 Act 5 Scene 2: International goodwill and do-gooding ambassador.

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PostSubject: Act 5 Scene 2: International goodwill and do-gooding ambassador.   Mon Oct 09, 2017 3:30 pm

Dizzi Blonde, Terra O’leart and special guest Sir Nob Dogbeard are in a television studio for the live Onesie Show.

Terra O’leart: We are joined today by Sir Nob Dogbeard who was recently ordained by the United Nations as an International goodwill and do-gooding ambassador and is now taking charity work to a whole new new level of world government and social control. His forty year career started from humble beginnings in rural Ireland where he worked in a variety of menial jobs such as slaughtering large animals for food and entertainment and he also spent several months picking lint off used cardigans for Oxfam, but was saved from working class mediocrity by the presence of a Jewish paternal grandmother which immediately brought him under the protective wing of the Freemasons who sent him to Canada on an international poor Jew scholarship to become a media celebrity and eventually take his place as ruler of the moral conscience of the free-world. To Sir Nob Dogbeard  Now we know you won’t want to talk about this because your modesty is legendary Sir Nob, but tell us a little about how great you are.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Well I try to maintain some modesty as you say, in the face of my own astonishing achievements, and sometimes I astonish even myself and I say ‘how the fock did I do that?’  Sometimes I don’t even focken know how I did it. I just wake up the next day and read in the papers that Dogbeard has saved the focken world again by feeding all the starving million billions of Africans using UK tax payer’s money. Or Dogbeard has saved the world from global warming by getting the government to raise UK fuel prices because all the old people keeping warm in the winter is killing the focken planet.

Dizi Blonde: It’s success after success. The luck of the Irish

Sir Nob Dogbeard: And the focken Jews. But there’s one thing even we couldn’t focken fix and it was the focken Brexit. You know things are bad when even we lose focken control.

Terra: Yes, Brexit was a national tragedy I think we can all agree on that. But to be slightly critical though, some people did wonder why an Irishman was telling British voters how to vote.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Aye, that’s what the focken conts all said.  And the focken conts all voted for the Brexit because they’re too focken thick to know any better.

Terra: That seems to be the official media consensus. But that is the price we pay for living in a democracy.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Well that’s something which may be up for focken revision in any case. You can’t have the thick focken conts ruining the world for the focken young people.

Terra O’leart: But what about your latest project, Hype Aid which will take place two weeks from now, is that another attempt to save the world?

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Or change the world. The world needs focken saving from itself and Hype Aid is going to be the first step in a radical new programme for the human focken race.

Dizzi Blonde: That’s pretty ambitious. Groveling Tell us more.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Well now we are in a position where we have the technology to focken do things we couldn’t have focken dreamed about in the past, and the further along the road we go, as we look around we realise that something has to focken change.

Terra: What are the biggest problems facing mankind right now would you say?

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Climate-change, global intolerance and Brexit. We need to stop all the focken hatred and make everyone the focken same RIGHT NOW. And we’re going to do it in two weeks’ time.

Terra: Forgive me Sir Dogbeard, but it’s just a music concert isn’t it? How are you going to change the world with a music concert?

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Laughs Well we have a few focken tricks up our sleeves. Some amazing new technology that the world has never focken seen before.

Terra: Would I be giving the game away if I said ‘pink lazers’?

Sir Nob Dogbeard: suddenly turns deadly serious What do you focken know about the focken pink lazers?

Terra: hurriedly Well, nothing actually, it’s just something we’ve heard mentioned but no one knows any more than that. Some kind of special new lazer technology which has never been seen before. Maybe holograms?

Sir Nob Dogbeard: laughs and reverts back to character Well we’re trying to keep it all tightly under focken wraps so we can’t say anything. We want to take the world by complete focken surprise, and it WILL be a surprise.

Terra: Tell us in particular about the work you do with the Children of the Temple.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: That’s something I wouldn’t have been allowed to focken talk about a couple of years ago because it was such a secretive organization. People have a way of condemning things they don’t focken understand, but now people aren’t allowed to condemn anything because it’s called ‘intolerance’ and we are seeing the end of focken intolerance, focken racism, focken sexism and focken people having the right to their own opinions. So now The Children of the Temple is finally opening its doors to the focken public and this will happen on an epic focken scale during Hype Aid.

Dizzi Blonde: But what is the Children of the Temple I’ve heard it’s something which I think might be of interest to our younger viewers in particular because of the popularity of Harry Potter.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Well if you’re going to compare the focken Children of the Temple with world of Harry focken Potter then immediately I have to say that they are not exactly the focken same, but at the same time there are some focken similarities with the world of Harry Potter and the members of the Children of the Temple throughout the world. You yourself Terra are also a focken member isn’t that focken right?

Terra: Since I was a little girl. As long as I can remember. But my therapist says some of it is false memory syndrome.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: I think I focken saw you once at the reaping of the young wheat a good few years ago, you can’t have been much older than focken fourteen.

Terra: Oh? Did that really happen? 

Dizzi Blonde: But it’s usually something that runs in the family isn’t that right? But you’re hoping to change that at Hype Aid aren’t you? A new process of induction to the wizarding world.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: That’s the focken idea.

Terra: But you’ve had your share of tragedy, your daughter, pop singer and member of the Children of the Temple, Kumquat Dogbeard died in circumstances which have still not been adequately explained and came after her own indiscrete exposure of secret and powerful pop paedophiles. How does a father like you handle a loss and strange tragedy like that?

Sir Nob Dogbeard: To paraphrase Oscar focken Wilde, 'to lose one family member to a heroin overdose looks like misfortune, but to lose two looks like carelessness'. He laughs But to be focken serious, I find that my unshakeable focken faith in my own destiny and the guidance which the Guardian of the Temple keeps me protected from the deeper experience of any grief. I don’t really believe in focken grief since it is a paralyzing force which seems to ask a question to the universe ‘why me?’ ‘what has this happened?’. Whereas I know precisely why it happened, so there is no focken mystery to me. Only the assurance that every act has a focken consequence and that we must move through this world with an awareness of the consequences. I think my beloved daughter did not quite understand this simple truth. Sometimes we think we’re on our own but really we’re all part of a team and you don’t let the side down. Because there’s always a focken price to pay when you do.

Terra: But can you tell us a little more about The Children of the Temple and what we might expect to find at Hype Aid.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Well obviously I want to keep a few focken surprises but it’s going to be a way for everyone with a ticket and everyone watching on television, to join something incredible and focken life changing. And it’s not just a once in a lifetime or once in a generation thing we’re talking about here, but something which has never before happened since the birth of humanity. What we are talking about here will totally change the focken world and people’s focken lives for ever.

Terra: Can you be more specific?

Sir Nob Dogbeard: I wish I focken could, but let’s just say that any problems, any issues and any concerns you have in this world, well the experience which Hype Aid is going to offer is going to radically re-position your perspective about the world so that these concerns become infinitesimally tiny as you emerge into a new focken world with a completely changed assessment of who you are and where you are in this world.

Terra: It sounds like some kind of religious experience almost.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: It’s certainly not focken religious or focken sectarian in any way, but we welcome people of all faiths to join us as indeed they will on the stage and around the world. But it will be spiritual in a way which the world has never seen and we hope to unite the world into a common spiritual understanding after so many years of conflict and misunderstanding. We aim to end all conflicts by eliminating difference altogether.

Dizzi Blonde: Well it sounds mysterious and intriguing.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Well, on Saturday July 9th the mystery will be focken revealed once and for all. We’re going to change the focken world. Again, and this time, it’s going to be permanent. Even Brexit will be forgotten about come July 9th. Believe focken me.

Terra O’leart: wrapping up Well, the world I’m sure, as well as everyone here in the studio will be watching.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: Aye, you’d focken better be and all the conts who voted Brexit too.

Dizzi Blonde: To camera I'd just like to apologise on behalf of the Onesie show for any inappropriate language Sir Nob may have used in the course of the show.

Sir Nob Dogbeard: off camera Get t'fock! They can take it. I work for the focken UN!

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