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 Act 5 Scene 1: The man who killed the last Dodo on Earth.

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PostSubject: Act 5 Scene 1: The man who killed the last Dodo on Earth.   Sat Oct 07, 2017 2:50 pm

Steve and Crew’s Brick Lane council flat. Steve and Crew are getting higher than astronauts smoking some new weed which Docs has brought round.

Steve: This weed is awesome. Can you get hold of some seeds so I can grow some of this on the roof?

Docs: Can’t be done. This is Terminator weed.

Crew: Guilelessly Is it from the future?   

Docs: Docs laughs then notices that Crew appears to be serious Er, well I can get most entheogenic substances known to man but even I can’t score weed from the future.

Crew: Sorry. It’s this weed, it makes anything seem possible. Also the things we’re getting mixed up with these days weed from the future would just be another bus-stop on the way to the nut-house.

Docs: Why, what’s going on boys?

Crew: gives Steve a look Shall I tell him?

Steve: Well you’ve handed him the plate, might as well ladle it out now. It’s too late to take it back and leave him hungry.

Crew: I’m on a mission from Bill. I had a dream about Bill Hicks who told him that he needed to find a way to stop smoking so he could get into heaven, and then we contacted Jim Morrison who told us that the New Hype Aid concert is going to be a portal from which the massed forces of evil are going to invade our planet somehow. Turn everyone into zombies or something using pink lazer beams. I confess I don’t really understand the science behind it all.

Steve: If there even is any.

Crew: Excitedly remembering something And the only ones who can save the world are dead rock and roll stars baby.

Steve: Appealing to Doc I know this all sounds like a strong case of cannabis psychosis Doc, and maybe it started out that way in Crew’s THC soaked brain, but it all seems to have taken on a life of its own now. For instance we have a machine which this London university scientist helped us build based on John Logie Baird’s design blueprints and now we can contact and communicate with dead rock n roll stars.

Crew: And we have this wooden puppet called Stookie Bill we found in a glass case in a Scottish museum and he has a brother called James but in reality they’re actually the same ghost who has forgotten who he used to be when he was alive and lived in Logie Baird’s old laboratory above Bar Italia because he has a fondness for city life and he might also be a bit gay. But that's my own theory.

Stookie Bill’s muffled disembodied voice is heard protesting from the bag.

Steve: Resignedly I know all this sounds completely nuts. But……he is about to attempt an explanation but he gives up actually forget about it. Maybe we’ve just been smoking too much. It doesn’t matter.

Docs: That’s alright boys, don’t worry about it. John Hampton told me everything.

Steve: Curiously Oh?

Docs: Well, he omitted the detail about the gay Soho puppet but I suspect that was more a case of making a judicious editorial decision for the sake of my sanity than of any oversight on his part.

An outraged muffled voice is heard: I am not gay.

Docs: Is that the puppet? Where is it?

Stookie Bill: How dare you? I’m neither gay not am I an IT. I am a male. My name is Stookie Bill, the clue was there in my name for anyone with a glimmer of wit about them.

Docs: He’s quite a character isn’t he? Let’s see him then. Might as well see how much of this my mind can take.

Stookie Bill: Crew goes over to take Stookie Bill out of the bag I can’t believe you forgot about me and left me in that bag. It was lucky for you that I fell asleep but awoke upon hearing such crude aspersions being made upon my own self.

Steve: We didn’t forget about you. We knew you were in there and we fancied a bit of peace from your moaning.

Stookie Bill: Moaning! Moaning! Is that what it is? Well gentlemen this is who I am and I cannot help the way God made me.

Steve: I don’t know who made you but I don’t think God had much to do with it. Fisher Price on a bad day is more like it.

Stookie Bill: How dare you? Is this the thanks I get for saving you clowns from those girls?

Docs: He saved you from those girls? Laughing I bet they were quite a handful.

Steve:  It’s not like that. The girls were possessed, like the ones on the news. Something is going on and it’s probably connected to Hype Aid somehow. A foretaste of things to come.

Docs: But why are you so mean to him?

Steve: Oh don’t you start, the last thing the moaning puppet menace needs is a sympathetic advocate. He’d never belt up.

Docs: But don’t you think he’s amazing. I mean, it’s a living talking wooden puppet. It’s kind of a miracle in some way.

Stookie Bill: Thankyou, acknowledgment at last.

Steve: Well you’d think so wouldn’t you, but then he just starts moaning and scolding and the wonder of it all just sort of wears off.

There is a moment’s silence while no one can think of anything to say.

Crew: So why are they called Terminator seeds?

Docs: Because they’re genetically modified to create sterile seeds.

Steve: Genetically modified weed? That’s a Monsanto thing isn’t it?

Docs: Yeah, that’s where my contact said he got this weed.

Steve: From Monsanto? No way? Surely they don’t produce weed now.

Docs: Yeah they do. It’s already legal in many US states so it looks like big business is getting in on the action already.

Steve: But that’s not very ethical. Monsanto is a multinational company trying to own and control the food production of planet Earth. Do you know how many Indian farmers have committed suicide because of dodgy GM crop failures?

Docs: That’s as may be. But you tell me that this isn’t good weed.

They all go silent for a moment and continue smoking. Then Crew takes the joint they are smoking and deliberately stubs it out.

Crew: I’m taking a stand for the Indian farmers. 

Steve:  The world trembles.

Crew: 
He shakes his head It’s strong weed though. Strongest I’ve ever smoked.

Docs: Suit yourself. But I believe a certain amount of progress is necessary and this weed represents progress. So you won’t be wanting any then?

Steve: Well since Crew seems to be taking a stand he looks at Crew who looks completely mashed and is bravely managing to keep one eye open which closes suddenly and he immediately starts snoring. Well in any case, I think Crew’s had enough. So we’ll just have a half ounce of the usual Sour Green Cheese Lobotomy then.

Stookie Bill: Scolding Is that it? So you’ve forgotten about me again and would rather talk about whacky backy than the miracle which is here before you.

Docs: To Steve The novelty does soon wear off doesn’t it. Funny the way it works.

Stookie Bill: Well if that’s all you have to say then take me back to Soho. I’d rather be forgotten about in my own rooms than be forgotten about in someone else’s.

Crew: Opening an eye Aw Steve, he’s making me feel sorry for him again. I don’t know what to do. He’s so good at it.

Stookie Bill: I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for anybody, I’m serious, it’s clear here you’ve had your use of me and the novelty has worn off and I’m no use to you any more.

Steve: Considering Hmmm, maybe you’re right. I don’t think we do have any more use for you. Ok, we’ll take you back to Soho if you want.

Docs: I bet he can’t wait to get back into the scene. 

Stookie Bill: I was there before they were. Besides, I don’t take any notice of things like that.

Steve: So when did John tell you about old Fisher Price over there?

Stookie Bill: I was not made by Fisher Price, I am a mysterious miracle and wonder of the age. Any more of this abuse and I will leave this world forever leaving you with nothing but a useless wooden puppet. You are not worthy. What was it Shakespeare said, “We do it wrong, being so majestical to offer it the show of violence, for it is as the air, invulnerable.”

Steve: Well he knows his Shakespeare. Maybe we could use him to try to beat the pub quiz machine. Are you any good with 1980’s FA cup final winners? Or we could use him to scare the crows off our cannabis seedlings on the roof. It's the last thing they'd expect. Though I think the Shakespeare would probably be lost on them but you never know, they do say crows are surprisingly smart.

Suddenly there is a sudden palpitating movement of the puppet Stookie Bill and a glow of bright light which last for a second then promptly flashes out of existence leaving behind nothing but, as Stookie Bill threatened, a useless wooden puppet.

Crew: suddenly wide awake again What just happened?

Steve: Addressing the wooden puppet Stookie Bill?

There is no answer.

Steve: Rolling his eyes, I can’t believe I’m going to do this. Stookie Bill, I was just kidding. Are you still there? Of course we want you around. grimacing you're part of the team.

Docs: under his breath Aye, the pub quiz team.


There is still no answer and it is quickly becoming perfectly obviously that whatever animating principle was at work in the wooden puppet has no departed.

Crew: I can’t believe you’ve done that Steve. He wasn’t so bad, I really liked him AND he helped us. Now he’s gone because you were mean to him. What’s wrong with you Steve, you’ve got a really nasty streak about you you know.

Steve: Oh come on. I was just messing about. He’s a talking Scottish wooden puppet from Soho how the hell do you expect me to take that seriously?

Crew: He really was a miracle you know. And now he’s gone. I feel like I’ve just seen the man who killed the last Dodo to walk the Earth.

Steve: Crew, don’t get all soppy. 

Crew: I’m not being soppy. You’ve just ruined something amazing. Stolen the magic away from one of the last mysterious corners of the world. Crew starts working himself up. No wonder all you do is sit in your sordid flat smoking whacky backy all day, because there’s no moral fibre in you, no wonder. Just bitter cynicism which you dull with drug smoke.

Steve: What? It’s just what you do too. We both sit in this sordid flat smoking whacky backy all day full of bitter cynicism, since when has that been a problem? It’s our preferred lifestyle choice.

Crew: Well maybe it's time for a change. You’re nothing but an out of work chancer who could do with a hair-cut. I for one have had enough of this life.

Steve: But what about whisky Jim Morrison and the mission from Bill?


Crew: It's all stupid dope bullshit isn't it? Things like this don't happen to normal people because it's not normal. It's fucked, and it's because I'm fucked. Well now I'm going to try being normal. I'm sick of all this and I'm sick of you.


With that he gets up and gets his coat and walks out of the flat leaving everyone confused and as if a bomb has just exploded under them.

Docs: Right, well, I’d better skin-up then.

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