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 Act 6 Scene 3: The Alien Invasion Charity

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PostSubject: Act 6 Scene 3: The Alien Invasion Charity   Sun Sep 24, 2017 4:49 pm

Steve, Crew, Doc and John Hampton are possessed by alien consciousness from a distant solar system and are being entertained by a variety of substances and sensations which, although common-place on Earth, appear unusual and exotic to someone from another star system. Alien Steve is currently mesmorised by the sight of fresh water. Alien Crew is completely entranced by the fine dust on the ground and Alien John Hampton is fervently preoccupied by his own fingers.

Steve: This is a most hospitable planet. The air is soft and doesn’t burn. Our people will be happy here.

Mr Hands: And we as a planet shall be happy to host you. After-all it is not in our nature to refuse a neighbor in need and many of our most ancient traditions praise helping others. In some cultures in this world  such charity is actually a stringent moral requirement and you will go to hell if you do not offer it.

They all laugh indulgently for a moment.

Crew: So when can we begin our full invasion?

Mr Hands: Pooh pooh, it’s not your full invasion, it’s our beneficent charity. One brotherhood is charitably helping another brotherhood from across the stars, that is all.

Crew: But tell me one thing, why are you helping us to take over your planet?

Mr Hands: Ahh, don’t put it that way. But since you ask, it’s because we’re brothers, albeit several times removed. Let me put it this way: Racialism, nationalism, patriotism are such ugly things in the human spirit, by surrendering everything we have to anyone who needs it we are purging ourselves of humanity’s deepest flaws.

John : So you’re giving away your whole planet to us because of ‘charity?’.

Mr Hands: But of course.

The aliens exchange unintelligible sounds and gestures which look like winks and laughter.

Alien Crew: When can we begin the invas…. He cuts himself short, I mean when can we begin to enjoy your charity? Our planet is hot and nothing can grow and has been ravaged by years of war.  Our people are hungry and have no work. We have nothing. Your land is a green lush paradise and I can’t see any radiation anywhere. This planet of yours will serve my people well.

Mr Hands: Of course it will. Why should you suffer in dust heat and radiation just because you ruined your planet with war. Have our planet. Take everything the humans have worked so hard for countless millennia.

Alien Crew: Why are you so keen to welcome us here though? What’s in it for you?

Mr Hands: with mock offense My friends, my star-brothers, must there always be a personal interest?

Alien Crew: Of course. Otherwise it’s not natural. Besides, Is it really your planet to give away?

Mr Hands: languidly Of course it is. We own it completely. All the Kings, Queens, presidents and prime ministers. All the companies and international institutions both social and commercial all fly our flags and logos. We own them and we are them, and since the people serve them, work for them and also fly our logos, we own them also.

Alien Crew: Momentarily stupefied, even for an alien How on Xhurakoooopoot  have you managed to so enslave your population and render them unable to stop the ground being given away under their very feet?

Mr Hands: Well we have a few tricks up our sleeves, but why go into all the gory details, you have a fresh new planet to do what you will with?

Alien Crew: But I am still not satisfied. Why? I cannot trust a motive I do not understand.

Mr Hands: Well, let us say that we and the human population of this planet don’t always see eye-to-eye. If they knew about the full tenor of our activities and predilections, they would no doubt rise as one and bring our little party to an end, and we rather want to stay in control. So you have given us the opportunity of replacing the, ahem the unwieldy old fashioned spirit of humanity with a spirit which is much more in tune with our own. Especially at this time when that dreadful internet machine is full of all the sordid details of our past and present wrongs. Mercifully we have successfully distracted most internet users with funny cat videos and the ever ongoing quest for the perfect pornographic movie scene but we are at breaking point and it’s only a matter of time until our funny cats and pornography can no longer hold back the rising quest for the truth.

Alien Steve: I understand and we thank you for your explanation. Now we understand each other finally.

Alien John Hampton: We were starting to wonder why you were being so ‘charitable’ and we were suspicious, but now we understand that your motives are strictly self-serving we feel much more reassured.

Alien Crew: Not to mention that we won’t have the terrible burden of being in your debt in any away. You are giving us a new home, and we are replacing a population which is at variance with your own morality. We have a mutually beneficial relationship and this is always the most harmonious kind of relationship.

Mr Hands: I quite agree. I think this is a good moment for a drink. We have a tradition on Earth called ‘the toast’.

Mr Hands takes some glasses from a table and quickly fills them with Champagne from an ice bucket. He hands out the filled glasses to the alien consciousnesses.

Mr Hands: This is one of our traditions based on demonstrating mutual trust. In Earth’s history, among powerful people it was often the case that rivals and associates would poison each other’s drinks to gain personal advantage or assume power for themselves. This as you can imagine didn’t quite promote the trust and cooperation which was necessary for the corporate advancement which we now enjoy, so in order to show that no one was trying to poison each other they would raise their goblets and bring them together in such a way that the contents would slosh over a little into the other goblets and if anyone of the group were attempting to poison them, then they would have a taste of their own deadly vintage. Follow my lead gentlemen. He raises his glass. Let’s drink to a long and happy mutually beneficial relationship. Here’s to the next thousand years!

Mr Hands chinks glasses with Alien Steve. Alien Crew then tries to chink glasses with Mr Hands but smashes both glasses.

Mr Hands: That’s not quite how the tradition goes, but perhaps you’ve just rewritten the old traditions. Why don’t we work together and smash it all up?

Alien John Hampton: What do you mean?

Mr Hands: You smashed up your old planet. Why not help us smash ours up. We find it frightfully amusing.

Alien Crew: I must confess, that seems to be our tendency too. What is it about is that just loves the bombs and the piles of burning bodies?

Mr Hands: I never quite figured it out, but this hatred unites us, and let us relish it.

Alien Steve: At last we understand each other. We shall enjoy using this fresh green world.

Mr Hands: And finally, we will have a population we will be able to do business with.

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