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 Act 6 Scene 2 Investigating Gooseberries

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PostSubject: Act 6 Scene 2 Investigating Gooseberries   Tue Jul 25, 2017 9:06 pm

PC Ellis find himself in front of closed metal gates of Felchester House.

He the shakes the gothic metal gate and finds it tightly locked.

PC Ellis: Baaah!

He then reflects a moment and realizes that it is late at night and he is shaking the gates of some weird long-haired Lord or other.

PC Ellis: speaking to himself What am I doing here? His phone rings again and he answers it. Skip, no doubt you’re going to ask me what I’m doing here?  Yeah. I knew it. I found the car. Yeah I did. Parked in the woods down a horse path. Quite a stroke of luck. In fact if you hadn’t have called me last time I wouldn’t have pulled over and wouldn’t have spotted the windscreen hidden in the woods. Yeah. Coincidence, but we’re in this together now boss, I say we go on with this and at least continue to search for the suspect. Well I’m right before this old manor or something or other. Felchester House. If he’s anywhere around here he’s in there, there’s nothing else for miles and I can’t see him going far at this time of night. What do you mean come home? I’ve finally found the bastard I’m not coming in yet. What do you mean I’ve got nothing? I’ve found the car! Chief please don’t do this to me. Not my turf? My turf is wherever I see a crime being committed. What do you mean ‘that’s your last word?’. Hello? Hello? The phone is dead.

PC Ellis finds a door bell and raising his finger to the button he considers for a moment. In an anguish of frustration he lowers his finger with a superhuman effort and giving the gate one more shake, turns around and walks slowly away from the gate.

He turns around ruefully one more time before returning to the road. Suddenly a blood curdling scream is heard coming from beyond the gate in the direction of the house. Initially PC Ellis is surprised and a little shaken but he quickly gathers himself.


PC Ellis: To himself Now that sounds very much like ‘probable cause’ to me.  Sorry chief but I’m going in.

He looks the gate up and down, and rolling up his sleeves he starts to climb placing his feet in the knotty gothic decorations.

He climbs over the gate and gently lowers himself down the other side and walking down the drive he soon comes within sight of the house and grounds and is astonished to see all sorts of hooded figures.


PC Ellis: Bloody hell, it looks like David Icke is right.

Just then his phone rings again and he jumps into a thicket.

PC Ellis: Shit! He answers the phone. Whispering into the phone. Sarge. No, I’m not on my way back, I’m on my way in. I'm on the grounds of the manor house, I heard a scream and I got on the grounds with reasonable grounds for investigation, well there’s all these people in white robes wandering around like some Dennis Wheatley novel. I thought that was just a 60’s thing. Sarge I’ve got to go, but I might you need to phone the local boys for back-up.

PC Ellis crawls out from the undergrowth straight into the legs of a large man wearing a black robe.

Robed Man: Well hello officer. What are you doing down there? Investigating my gooseberries?

The Robed Man gives a saucy laugh, deeply amused by his own euphemism.

PC Ellis: getting to his feet Sir.

Robed Man: Well at least you’ve got that right.

PC Ellis: undeterred Sir, may I ask what is going on here? Indicates the robed people.

Robed Man: That is none of your business my inquisitive man, this is my home and this is a private party. With gravitas. A very private party.

PC Ellis: I must insist you cooperate, I entered the premises after I heard a loud scream while outside your gate.

Robed Man: What were you doing outside my gate?

PC Ellis: That’s a police-matter.

Robed Man: Well I’m afraid the Secret Policeman’s Ball is another night, so much as it pains me to default on hospitality I think you’d better be on your way.

He takes out a key and makes to take PC Ellis by the arm.

PC Ellis: Take your hand off me sir.

The Robed man hurried removes his hand as if stung by an electric eel.

Robed Man: I’m sorry officer, I didn’t realise you were such a sensitive creature. You’re not a moth are you? It would be inconvenient if you fell to the ground and died because I touched your uniform.

PC Ellis: Dead pan No sir, I am not a moth, I am a police-officer, and I am her to uphold my oath to her majesty the Queen in diligence and impartiality, in the office of constable to ensure the peace be kept and preserved and prevent all offences against people and property. And you know what else Sir? I will to the best of my skill and knowledge discharge all the duties thereof faithfully according to law. I know the law sir and as long as I know that I heard a blood curdling scream with my two good man ears and such screams are mercifully rare, but when I hear them I am permitted by the law of this country to enter any premises to if there’s a breach of the peace or to save life and limb. I heard a scream pointedly sir and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

Robed Man: Not if it gets to the bottom of you.

PC Ellis: Is that gay innuendo or are you threatening the life of a police officer? I’m not taking any more of this nonsense, explain the scream and what’s happening here otherwise I’m placing you under arrest for impending and obstructing a police officer in his line of duties.

Robed man is about to languidly place his hand on PC Ellis’ shoulder, but appears to think better of it.

Robed Man: This is all a rather amusing situation. He smiled broadly and lowed the hood of his robe, allow me to formally introduce myself. I am Sir Roginald Peggit. The last glowing ember of an ancient magical family; my great grandfather was good friends with Churchill, in fact I shouldn’t be telling you this but what’s the odd ‘official secret’ between good fellows. He holds up his hand to PC Ellis and gives a gentle pressure to Ellis’ knuckle. He notices that PC Ellis does not answer Good Fellows’ particular handshake.

PC Ellis: I regret to inform you that I do not deal in secret handshakes, though I know many that do, but it’s just not my cup of tea sir.

Sir Roginald Peggit the 3rd: Not your cup of tea eh? Why don’t you come into the house and have something to drink. An idea comes to Sir Roginald In fact come in and take a load off, we can have a guest room made up at a moment’s notice. Come, let’s discuss all this inside, we’re just having a religious festival here, I know the law too and know that our faith is protected by the state. There are no more witch trials officer, we are free now from all the prejudice of the past is gone, but perhaps still lingers in some place looks hard at PC Ellis. But not in this country they are not. My rights to my religion are enshrined in European Human Rights law. I do so love Europe don’t you? Such enlightened people.

PC Ellis: Never mind all the European garnish, just start answering my questions.

Sir Roginald: I bet you voted to Leave as well. The future won't thank you for that you know.

The go off towards the house. Sir Roginald makes a hand gesture to one of the other robed people.

PC Ellis: I saw that! You made a gesture with your hand.

Sir Roginald: Of course I did.

PC Ellis:  Why?

Sir Roginald: Because the poor man is deaf. He probably wondered why there was a policeman with me, I told him everything is ok and not to be afraid.

PC Ellis: Is it?

Sir Roginald: Oh yes. It always is for the family.

PC Ellis: Family?

Sir Roginald: My simple pagan faith again I’m afraid, but I make no apology to it, our great family is protected by law.

They walk up the steps and PC Ellis is guided into a reception room.

Sir Roginald: How many sugars?

PC Ellis: I beg your pardon?

Sir Roginald: For that cup of tea you mentioned.

They both sit down at a table.

PC Ellis: Now, what about those screams?

Sir Roginald: Surely now it’s obvious.

There is a tense moment.

Sir Roginald: Nothing but amateur dramatics. We reenact the ancient mysteries here and some of them are somewhat bloodthirsty. It’s all managed with props and fake blood of course.

PC Ellis: I’d like to see some of these amateur dramatics of yours, that scream was too life like.

Sir Roginald: Don’t you mean ‘death-like?’

PC Ellis is not amused despite the obvious amusement which Sir Roginald seems to be providing himself with.

A moment later a butler arrives with tea.

Sir Roginald: Tea?

PC Ellis: No thanks.

Sir Roginald appears disappointed. The butler carefully hands Sir Roginald a piece of paper.

Sir Roginald: Well if you won’t have our tea then take a look at this, this ought to be of interest to a man in your position.

PC Ellis takes the paper which appears to be a map of the manor house and grounds.

PC Ellis: What is this?

Sir Roginald: It’s what’s on it.

PC Ellis: A map of Felchester house.

Sir Roginald: That’s not all that’s on it.

Suddenly PC Ellis feels very very tired, as if his head was suddenly filled with heavy weights and the only way to gain relief from the heaviness is to leave his body behind altogether.

The Butler and Sir Roginald both appear to be waiting for something.

Sir Roginald: You suddenly look very tired. Are you still with us PC Ellis?

PC Ellis mumbles something indistinct and makes a sudden effort to stand up and manages to stand for a few seconds before collapsing back into the chair.

PC Ellis: You sure do have a lot of fight in you but I reckon you’re done now. PC Ellis are you still there?

PC Ellis makes no sound.

Sir Roginald: Lights out PC Ellis. You’re most fortunate, we have a room already made up especially for unexpected guests.

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