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 Act 4 Scene 2: We're not going to get poked are we?

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PostSubject: Act 4 Scene 2: We're not going to get poked are we?   Sun Jun 05, 2016 12:38 am

Scene 2.

Steve and Crew are now talking to the ghost of Bill Hicks who is now clearly visible on the TV set in front of them.


Crew: Wow. It's Bill Hicks and I'm not dreaming.


Dr Kemble and John Hampton come over.


Steve: clutching several pairs of cheap polarised sunglasses I brought the sunglasses but how come we don't need sunglasses anymore?


Dr Kemble: Oh simple, I polarised the screen. Obvious solution, sorry if I led you on a fruitless errand. Did you keep the receipts? You can get a refund.


Steve: Not really, I got them at Back-Lane Market they don't do paper-trails.

Bill Hicks: So aren't you folks curious how the good Dr managed to help me find my voice?


Steve: Yeah I am actually.

Crew: So how did you do it professor?


Dr Kemble: Well actually it was all John's idea.


John Hampton:  Well actually it was Steve's idea.


Crew: This is like playing pass the parcel. Is it my idea yet?


John Hampton: Steve gave me the clues I needed. Steve was talking about Yuri Geller's tapes with spooky voices being magically transferred to them. This got me interested and to be honest it sounded like a load of nonsense. And it got me into EVP or 'electrical voice phenomenon'. It turns out some people on the internet have been experimenting with this kind of thing and found that any kind of sound source can be used as a medium for the EVP phenomenon. Some would start of with the hiss of cassette playback, this was all that was needed for the voices to be manifested. Unfortunately for these people once they had become tuned in to these voices other things would rather inconveniently start to talk to them. Anything that made a low background noise signal could be used to transmit so they'd get the air-conditioner talking to them, the dishwasher, even passing cars would be used by the beings to transmit a voice.

Crew: That doesn't sound good.


John: It's not. These people ended up on anti psychotic medication.


Crew: That's encouraging. So are gonna go nuts too? 


John: Well that's just it. Dr Kemble has used the same principle except the sound medium is ultrasonic so we can't actually hear it, all we hear is the voice transmitted, that way we're unlikely to be plagued by talking toasters or a garrulous vacuum cleaner.


Crew: That's a relief. Still, sometimes London can be rather a lonely place. A bit of a chat while out and about would make a nice change. What kind of things did these voices talk about?


John: Well suffice it to say that it wasn't chit chat about West Ham's last game at the Boleyn ground.


Crew: I guess not, ghosts are Spurs fans, everyone knows that. Winks at Steve.


John: Well none of the communication with these beings had anything of the reassuring banality of a game of soccer. It was of rather a different tenor. It was more of a kind of relentless persecution of their apparent 'sins' and threats of punishment and hell. 


Crew: That's not very friendly.


John Hampton: Indeed not, but many of the being in the other dimension do not appear to be friendly, not in the least. In fact they progressed from merely auditory persecution of their victims to actual physical manifestations. It seems that by trying to open up contact with this other world one opens up a portal through which these things can attack you, manifesting pokes, muscle spasms and sometimes actual physical marks which suddenly appear with no explanation.


Crew: We're not going to get poked are we?


Steve: I'll check. Addressing Bill Hicks on the screen. Bill, you're not going to poke us are you?


Bill Hicks: Do you want me to to poke you?


Steve: No, I think it would just complicate matters.


Crew: But is anyone else likely to start poking us? I mean we've just heard some weird stories about ghosts being a bit stalkey.


Bill Hicks: Everyone gets a bit stalkey given the appropriate amount of emotional devastation. Ghosts are just the ultimate lonely hearts club without the benefit of being able to get drunk and go to a night club to remedy the situation.


Crew: Damn Bill, you still have the answers. 


Bill Hicks: Just born this way dude, as your demon dick choking Jezebel beast of the apocalypse Lady Gaga once said. Though my theory is she wasn't born that way, she was manufactured that way in a Disney bunker using DNA from the offcuts of Madonna's festering perfumed labia and implanted into a female version of the living robot from Demon Seed. 


Crew: Man that's harsh.


Bill Hicks: You don't know her the way I do. We spiritual beings see the instant truth of everyone and everything. Believe me when I say that if she had a Dorian Gray picture in her attic you wouldn't want to look at it even through the cracks in your fingers while simultaneously hidden behind your couch. Believe me Crew old buddy, she's so nuts she has to hide from squirrels in the autumn. So are most of the people on TV, Satan worshipping scumbags who all sold out to the boys at one point in their lives with one little act of extreme evil, and it was all taped to keep those suckers singing the right tune.


Crew: So what do we do? How do we beat them?

Bill Hicks: We can never beat them here on Earth, this is their world dude. Always has been. But this time they want to turn the whole world into demonic zombies. We can't beat them, but we can stop them this time.

Steve: How do we do that?

Bill Hicks: We need to put on a show. The ultimate show. We need to counteract their Hype Aid mass hypnotic spectacle of mass hypnosis and possession by diet fizzy pop star demons. We need to put on a REAL rock n roll show. 

Crew: How do we do that?

Dr Kemble: Actually that's what we're working on at the moment. We need to find a way to hijack their Hype aid event with our signal. But that's not going to be easy since their pop stars are alive and ours are all pretty much dead.

Steve: What do you mean pretty much dead, I thought they were all dead?

Bill Hicks: Well we've got one who's pretty much undecided on that score. He should be dead, and technically he was summoned at one stage by the angel of death, but when the angel of death came he played the guitar and sung his sweet songs and made the angel of death cry. After that he could no longer perform his duties.

Crew: Who? Who is the guy who beat the angel of death? Or at least made him cry.

Bill Hicks: Willy Nelson.  The Angel of Death himself now gives ol' Willy  a wide berth for fear of being caught with his grim skull face streaming helplessly with tears at the soft lulling sadness of 'Georgia on my Mind. Old Willy Nelson's been talking to old Bill for a long time, all old people talk to ghosts all the time. 

Steve: I don't believe it.

Bill Hicks: Oh yeah? Ask your granma.


Suddenly the Indiana Jones theme tune is heard as John Hampton's phone rings.

John: Answering the phone Hampton. Ok I'll be right over. Guys something's come up, I've got to go.

Without any further explanation John Hampton is gone.

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