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 Act 2 Scene 5: Who Wants Tea and Biscuits?

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PostSubject: Act 2 Scene 5: Who Wants Tea and Biscuits?   Fri Feb 19, 2016 4:31 pm

Back at Steve and Crew’s Brick Lane flat.

Steve and Crew are gathered around the lost journal of John Logie Baird which they have just recently found.


Crew: Reading Note in the journal Never attempt to make this machine.

Steve: Wow, wonder why he was so spooked. Turning pages Look, blueprints.

Crew: What are those wiggly things and those circles?

Steve: Hmm not sure, I think they’re vacuum tubes.

Crew: Look! Whatever that is it’s radioactive! It's got a radiation sign next to it.

Steve: Yeah....stops for a moment then says resolutely Listen Crew, this is crazy, we’ve got no idea about any of this stuff. We don’t even know what we’re looking at here and where on Earth do we get radioactive material and more to the point, do we really want to?

Crew: Hmmm, pretty sure John Hampton would have a university friend who can get hold of some.

Steve: But isn’t this all a bit dangerous buddy? Playing with radiation... ‘never attempt to create this machine’, ghosts....

Crew: Well we hung out with Jim Morrison and he wasn’t too dangerous, just a bit drunk.

Steve: He WAS drunk. We drunk him.

Crew: Hahaaha, nice Hitchhiker’s Guide gag.

Steve: We’d better call John and tell him we’ve got it.

At that moment Crew’s phone rings, the caller ID says John Hampton.

Crew screams and throws the phone in the air with an involuntary spasm, Steve catches the phone.

Steve: John, that’s weird, we were just about to call you. Crew’s freaked out about it. We’ve got the journal but we need some help with it.

Suddenly there’s a knock at the door. Crew screams again.

Steve: Wait a minute John, there’s someone at the door.

Steve: goes over to answer the door while speaking to John on the phone I don’t know who this can be at this hour he opens the door and is surprised to find John Hampton standing in front of him along with another elderly gentleman.

John Hampton: Good morning.

Steve: looks at the phone in his hand and presses the end call button ruefully I might have known. Who’s this, don’t tell me this is another of your university student friends.

John Hampton: No. Dr Philip Kemble here was a friend of my mothers’. But snap on the university, he was a professor at my college.

Steve: Always something new isn’t it with you?

John Hampton: I try to avoid clichés if I can help it.

Dr Philip Kemble: I hear you young gentleman have something of great interest to a tinkering old dodderer like myself. A certain lost notebook of a certain eccentric Scottish scientist.

Steve: Yeah, can you help us build it?

Dr Philip Kemble: That depends on whether you really want me to. The consequences could be grave, if this machine is really what my friend John suspects it might be.

Steve: Not you as well, it's bad enough with the spooky warning in the notebook 'never attempt to build this machine'. I'm starting to think maybe we shouldn't bother after all. I'll take the advice of two old men over the advice of Bill Hick's ghost that visited Crew in a dream.

Crew: It wasn't a dream Steve, it was in colour, so it was more like astral projection.

John Hampton: There's no point turning yellow now my friends, we have to do this. You don't now what's coming and if we don't have some kind of defence against the Dark Pop Circus when it comes to town, the Earth will be taken over by the demonic hierarchy forever.

Crew: Is that so bad? What happens if we just sit this one out?

John Hampton: If you want the whole world to turn into a Beyonce video then by all means, we'll just put our feet up and watch evil roll across the whole world.

Crew: Yeah, that would be pretty bad I guess.

John Hampton: My friend Sarah Clarke found out all about it from an over communicative roadie. They plan to use a special psychotronic pink lazer to implant the demonic host into empty headed pop fans at the Hype Aid festival. This 100,000 strong horde of demonically possessed hipsters, chavs and bimbos will then go out into society and spread the demonic hive mind through the whole of the UK within a matter of days. The only people who can stop them are dead rock stars. Our dead rock stars, and we need to build this machine so we assemble our army against the hell hounds of plastic pop.

Crew: Nervously Oh I see. By the way how do you do that?

John Hampton: Do what?

Crew: Magically appear whenever anyone talks about you?

John Hampton: To be honest I’m not entirely sure. But it’s a neat trick isn’t it?

Crew: Can you please stop being any more spooky for the moment. I don’t think I can handle too much more of this magically teleporting John Hamptons, one minute he’s in the phone the next he’s in your face.

John Hampton: Come on Crew, I’m not spooky on purpose, I guess it just comes naturally. Don’t take it personally, a little weirdness makes a refreshing change from all the tedium of modern life I find.

Crew: A little. But I’m just about at saturation levels. We’ve drunk a drunk Jim Morrison, burgled a Scottish museum to talk to a weird possessed wooden puppet and been held captive by another even weirder possessed puppet with a flaming wall of fire in an attic above Bar Italia. I need something reassuringly banal. Who wants tea and biscuits?

Suddenly there is a muffled noise from within Crew's bag.

Stookie Bill: Who are you calling 'weird' you rascal? Let me out of here so I can box your ears.

Dr Philip Kemble: What on Earth was that?


Steve: whistles Oh I forgot about him. This is going to be fun. Take a seat Dr Kemble, this is probably going to come as quite a surprise.

Dr Kemble sits down after shrewdly examining a green bong which was on the chair and placing it on the table.


Crew: opens the bag and takes out a wooden puppet This is Stookie Bill, or James, or both, it's all a little confusing.


Dr Kemble: Yes I know about this puppet, Baird used it with his early television experiments, I have seen pictures of it. How did you make the voice come from the bag? That's a pretty good piece of ventriloquism.

Stookie Bill: suddenly starts speaking Ventriloquism my eye! I'm alive, it's those two who are the dummies.

Dr Kemble suddenly looks wide-eyed and promptly faints.

Crew: Oh no, I've told you're not allowed to kill old people. He was our friend.... well, at least we were getting there I think.

John Hampton: The good doctor isn't dead, just a little bit surprised. Why did you have to bring him along?

Steve: He said he could help us put the machine together.

John Hampton: checking Dr Kemble's pulse The good Doctor is ok, we'll have to wait for him to come round. Put that thing back in the bag.

Steve: With pleasure.

Stookie Bill: protesting I am not a 'thing' and I will not go back into that blasted ba... his protestations are cut short as Steve grabs Stookie Bill and stuffs him back into Crew's bag.

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Act 2 Scene 5: Who Wants Tea and Biscuits?
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