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 Act 2 Scene 3 A forgotten room above Bar Italia.

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PostSubject: Act 2 Scene 3 A forgotten room above Bar Italia.   Tue Nov 17, 2015 9:29 pm

Act 2 Scene 3



Steve and Crew are standing outside 22 Firth Street W1. The sign above them says Bar Italia in neon green letters. They look for a door going up to the top floor of the slim tall building in Soho but they realise they will have to start by going inside and taking it from there.

Steve: God I hate this place. Why’s it always so bright? Like being inside a starship engine or something. What kind of people come to drink coffee in the middle of the night. What’s wrong with the world Crew?

Crew: Stop complaining Steve, I want to look cool. 

Steve: Why?

Crew: There might be famous people in here.

Steve: What do you want to do with famous people? Crew we’re famous people, we’re saving the world people, we’re the heroes, we’re not here for autographs we’re here for that book now how do we get to the attic. How do we get upstairs?

Crew: I don’t know. Maybe we should order a coffee.

Steve: Why?

Crew: Because that is what people in cafe do, they drink coffee.

Steve: Ok, two coffees.

After a while of waiting for a waiter they realise no one is interested in them.

Steve: Why doesn’t anyone serve us?

Crew: Because you have to go to the counter.

Steve: Oh really? And that’s a European cafe is it? Hardly different from a fish and chip shop.

Suddenly a group of Italians are heard laughing and one of the repeats ‘fish and chip shop’.

Steve: looks around at the echo of his own word puzzled So what do we do here when we’re not ordering coffee?

Crew: spies a staff corridor We need to get in there.

Steve: Crew, how on Earth do we break into the back of the Bar Italia?

Suddenly from nowhere a man of East London extraction pipes in:

Man: You want to break into the Bar Italia? I can help you.

Steve: Wait a minute, no one said we wanted to break into the back of the Bar Italia.

Crew: Actually you did Steve.

Steve: What? glares at Crew

Crew: Just keeping it real man.

Man: accusative So Yeah you did. Suddenly friendly But I can help you get in there. Why do you wanna be back there anyway? All the money’s at the counter.

Steve: No, we don’t, we’re not being seriu.. Crew cuts him off.

Crew: Shutup Steve. Yeah maybe you’re one of the angels Bill Hicks sent to us, he said some of them might need rehabilating.


Man: Bill Hick and angels, don’t know what you’re talking about mate. But for fifty quid I’ll make sure you get back there without being spotted.

Steve: We need to get to the attic room. It was John Logie Baird’s laboratory, something is hidden up there....shrugs for the future of humanity.

Man: Are you two tripping right now? They said this place was full of pill heads.

Steve: No, we’re not tripping. We’re saving the world. Suddenly resolute We will give you twenty pounds if you can afford us a way of getting upstairs.

Man: But you said you wanna be upstairs in the attic too. Might be something up there that needs dealing with, make it 50 quid all in and I’ll give you the full handy man service.

Steve: Ok, but money after. We need to see that it’s not all talk.

Man: All talk? You’ll see. Stand up now and make towards the corridor, when you hear me shout the words ‘it’s my heart’ twice in succession then you go through the door.

The Man writhes on the floor of the Bar Italia wiggling manically like possessed animal, making gestures clutching his chest and screaming indistinct words. The whole cafe suddenly turned its attention to him and since there was no waiting staff there was no one to impede Steve and Crews progress upstairs as soon as the Man cried the words ‘it’s my heart’ twice in a feeble imploring manner the whole cafe was so intent on helping the man in whatever way possible that Steve and Crew easily skipped through their communal perception field to slip through the corridor unnoticed.

Steve and Crew are now upstairs at the Bar Italia and have managed to advance up a steep old disused staircase up to the top of the building. They come upon a steep staircase leading to the attic with a locked door at the end of it.

They try the door quietly and find it locked.

Steve: It’s locked, what do we do know?

Suddenly The Man appears right next to them.

The Man: If I may gentlemen? This is an old lock. With that he removes a cunningly fashioned piece of metal and opens the locked door.

Steve: How did you get up here?

The Man: I am the magic man. I move too fast for most people to see. I can be anywhere anytime my friend. 50 Quid!

Crew: Pay the man Steve. Maybe he IS an angel.

Steve: hands over fifty quid Fair enough, saved us the trouble of coming up with a plan.

The Man: Suddenly starts laughing, which becomes progressively more raucous. You coming up with a plan? Laughs even more I don’t think so mate.

Steve: Yeah, fair enough mate, thanks for your help.

The Man walks away but suddenly stops himself and turns around back to Steve and Crew.

The Man: I know it’s not strictly professional but what are you two up to by the way? Saving the world and attic rooms, you’re not going to do someone are you?

Crew: Do someone? Turns to Steve I don’t think so Steve, are we?

Steve: Well, not like we did Johnny St Vile and all those other ghoul bags.

The Man: Johnny? What did you do to jangly jangly Johnny? He’s still missing, I saw it in the paper.

Steve: It’s a long story. He then briefly recaps what happened in Popstars of the Apocalypse 1 


The Man: Oh I see. That’s quite a story. Tell you what, I’ll help you out a bit, consider it a loyalty service. Besides I want to see what you two nuts are up to.


They enter the attic and find that they seem to clearly be the first people to enter the upstairs flat in a long time. All around there are parts of old mechanical television and other strange mechanical inventions including all sorts of aerials and dials and cobweb covered valves.

The Man: closing the door silently behind them So what is this place?

Crew: Might as well tell him the whole story Steve.

Steve: Are you kidding? He’ll think we’re nutjobs.
The Man: I’m already convinced you’re nutjobs but I’m intrigued by what motivates you. Even I have to wonder what you’re after in an old forgotten place like this.

Crew: Suddenly and triumphantly This holding up and old note book.

Steve: Hey great! Starts reading 2 lbs pots, 2 ounce ham 3 bananas. This isn’t it, it’s a shopping list.

Crew: It might be a cipher!

Steve: Ok mate, you get decoding those potatoes and I’ll just crack-on shall I doing what we’re here for?

They move from around the cramped 2 room attic.

Steve: Incredible to think that the first ever TV pictures were transmitted between these two rooms.

Crew is busy reading the notebook he has found while the others search around the drawers and cupboards for the lost journals of John Logie Baird.

After a while.

Steve: I can’t find it what about you?

The Man: I’ve found nothing but an ounce of pipe tobacco, a pair of NHS glasses and a gold half-sovereign which I’ll hang on to if you don’t mind.

Steve: I can’t find anything. There’s not that much here, looks like it was all just cleared out and abandoned here.

Crew: looks up What you doing?

Steve: exasperated Looking for John Logie Baird’s lost journals. Why what are you doing?

Crew: Oh, reading them. That shopping list was a decoy, there were about five pages of it but you know me, I found it interesting and wanted to read it till the end then I realised I was reading stuff about magnetrons and contacting the dead.

The Man: Contacting the dead?

Steve: Oh well done Crew sorry I ever doubted you.

Just as they leave the flat there is a noise behind them.

Voice: Not so fast!

Steve: What is it?

Crew: I don’t know.

The Man: Alright mate, machines for speaking to the spirits of the dead and weird voices in a room that hasn’t been opened for fifty years? I’m sorry but that’s slightly above my pay grade, if you don’t mind I’ll make myself scarce. Happy to have been of service gentlemen.

He leaves quickly and quietly but is obvious scared.

Steve: He’s gone? What shall we do?

Crew: Let’s go too.

Voice: No you don’t you band of dirty little thieves, stealing from my museum of precious things of the master. You have stolen all the exhibits! You have taken his tobacco and the glasses, and the golden coin, and his books which you are getting your greasy fingers into.

Crew: looking up from the notebook No, the tobacco and glasses are on the table but he nicked the coin. Suddenly the previously open door through which The Man escaped suddenly closes with  a sudden force.

Voice: Where do you think you’re going my pretties?

Crew: What is that? Who are you?

Voice: I will show you.

Suddenly the lights of the attic room are flicked on and they can behold where the voice is coming from.

Steve: Disappointed Oh no, not another one of those stupid puppets.

James the puppet: Another stupid puppet? How dare you, I am the first actor in the word.

Crew: That’s funny because your brother says he’s the first.

James: My brother?  How is he?Crew: He’s doing well. Just sat in a museum case but he seems happy enough.

James: Oh that’s good. Did you like him?

Steve: Errr.. Not at all in fact. He was grumpy
Crew: And your existence is a complete surprise to us.

James: a little discombobulated Really, well, when you get older they all forget about you. Anyway what business have you here poking around the masters old bits of bobs? And I’ll not hear a bad word against Stookie Bill.

Steve: We were instructed to use your master’s technology to help save the world, now will you open the door please?

James: Wait a minute. I’ve been stuck in here for over three quarters of a century, don’t you want to stop and chat.

Steve: looking at Crew Really?

James: I’ve not talked to anyone for such a long time.

Steve: If you don’t mind, we’ve seen it all before. Stookie Bill!

James: But I am James. Gleefully I’m not the same! He laughs.

Crew: Sorry James we’ve got to go. We can’t hang around here much longer, we’re not even supposed to be here.

James: But you are my guests. Please sit down and have a cup of tea. I have some nice cream cakes and hot buttered scones with Jam and cream.

Crew: like a child Oh yes please, I love creamy jam scones! I do so hope it’s strawberry jam.

James: well please, sit down my dear dear guests.

Crew and Steve sit down and dust raises up from their places on the sofa. They wait for  moment for the tea and scones.

Crew: to himself I love scones.

James: So, introduce yourselves, tell me a little about yourselves.

Crew: I have a question. Why are you so much nicer than Stookie Bill?

James: Well Stookie Bill has never been the same since he got his hair singed by the lighting for the Master’s television recorder.

Steve: So James? How come you exist. Why are you a talking puppet, did you get possessed by a wandering ghost at a séance too? I mean, two talking wooden puppets? This is all a little but unprecedented. In fact turns to Crew can you tell me Crew, are we in the Twilight Zone? Did we miss the turning?

Crew: I don’t think so Steve, I think we’re still in Blighty.

James: So what did you think of Stookie Bill?

Crew: Pffttt he was a right one wasn’t he Steve?

James: Was he? Disapprovingly He wasn’t that bad surely?

Steve: He wouldn’t stop calling your Master silly names and being quite rude to him.

James: Well, I suppose he did get his hair singed off.

Crew starts looking around for the tea and cakes.

Crew: So what about that tea Mr James?

James: Oh, the tea and scones. Gleefully  Of course!

Crew starts smiling and starts getting a little  excited.

James: Of course. After a while Steve realises the gravity of the situation.

Steve: There is no tea, there are no cakes Crew.

James: Oh well, it was just a figure of speech, you know, like they say, please sit down ‘tea and cakes’. I don’t have any actual tea or any cakes. Why would I have them? I am a wooden puppet.

Crew: mumbling I was thinking maybe you’d call someone.

James: I’m a wooden puppet Crew, I can’t use a telephone.

Crew: Well that’s not much use is it? James looks crestfallenbut then Crew mollifies his tone, I mean we can get a hot drink anytime.

Steve: Yeah, certainly plenty of coffee downstairs.

Crew: Yeah, and those tough Italian biscuits. Crew suddenly gets excited and has an idea I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go downstairs and have a coffee and one of those biscuits.

James: Oh don’t go, just because I haven’t got any cakes, what kind of friends are you?

Steve: looks at Crew Are we friends? He’s just a weird wooden puppet with a ghost inside.

James: I am what I am. But you said so yourself I was a bit of an anomaly.

Crew:  an annoyingly more like, I hate being tempted in with phantom cakes that’s not fair.

James: Well don’t leave me here for the woodworm to worry and the spiders to scuttle over, take me with you.

Crew pulls an imploring face and Steve put his head in his hands.

Steve: You must be joking. You’re not coming with us. What would be the point? We’re not a seaside Punch and Judy show.

Crew: Hey why not? It would be fun. And pretty cool to travel with a wooden puppet who was the first TV star.

Steve: They both say that, one of them must be bullshitting. I’m getting out of here, let’s go Crew.

They both leave for the door and try to open it but find it suddenly carpeted with a wall of flame.

Crew: Ow! It burns Steve, we can’t get out.

James: Come back here my little Man friends, you won’t leave me so easily you see I was the first ever TV star because I am he and and he is me and we are altogether.

Steve: How does he know the Beatles?

James: It used to come through from the antenna over there. These days it’s just noise so I turned it off. You’re welcome to try it but I expect it will just be a noise to make your head ache. I didn’t mind the Beatles though. And Pink Floyd. Then I don’t know what happened, it all became rather shrill after that.

Crew: turns to Steve he’s right y’know.

Steve: So what use is a wooden puppet who can set doors on fire and likes the Mersey Sound?

James: I will help you, I was always watching the Master with his experiments and he told me many secrets, like the machine  you are trying to build. He said no-one should ever make this machine but you must have been sent here otherwise you wouldn’t have found me.

Steve: Wouldn’t have found you? We already found you once.

James: Well you wouldn’t have found me again.

Crew: But you told us to come here. We weren’t trying to find you again, we came for the notebook.

Steve: Yeah, we didn’t even come here for you.

James: But I sent you to find me.

Steve: No offense mate, but we don’t really care if you’re here or not.

James: But it was I who told you where to find the book, without me you wouldn’t have it.

Crew: That was Stookie Bill.

James/Stookie Bill: But I AM Stookie Bill.

Steve: How does that work?

James: It’s not that complicated you oaf, I just jump out of Stookie Bill and I come here through the 4th dimension, my ghostly electromagnetic form having no mass means I can travel anywhere and anywhen in the universe.

Steve: Really? So why do you hang around in here all the time?

James: Oh I don’t hang around in here all the time. I jump onto the wind when it’s up and she takes me all the way around the world. And when I get tired I just jump back into my museum case in Scotland or return to my little Soho Pied a terre. It’s not a bad life you know. Oh and sometimes I listen to the radio of course. Listen, if you’re going to build that thing I might be able to help you. In fact I WILL be able to help you. I’m the only one who understands the technology from both sides.

Crew: Enthused what do you say Steve?

Steve: After a moment Ok stick him in your bag.

James: Bag! Don’t stick me in.....suddenly muffled from being stuck inside a bag.

Suddenly the flames disappear and the door returns to normal. As they open the door all of the lights flick out in the attic and the leave, stepping out into Bar Italia they are unnoticed and all three make their way into the night.

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Act 2 Scene 3 A forgotten room above Bar Italia.
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