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 Act 1 Scene 5 I see you got the cheap brand.

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PostSubject: Act 1 Scene 5 I see you got the cheap brand.   Tue Nov 17, 2015 8:25 pm

Act 1 Scene 5


Crew runs in clutching about 30 packets of cigarettes in his Napalm Death hoodie.

Steve: What’s all this then? Have you just robbed an off-licence? Why did you steal the cheap and nasty brand?

Crew: I didn’t steal them, I bought them. From dodgy Jim at the Greyhounds Arms. I’ve got incredible news, we are about to make ghost hunting history. I had another dream last night. He says he will be able to manifest a presence if I fill our back room full of cigarette smoke, but concentrated in the middle of the room. Let’s see what happens eh?

Steve: Seriously? Ghosts in the back living room? Is that a good idea. I think I’m a bit scared.

Crew: How can you be scared, it’s Bill Hicks!

Steve: Well I would be scared to meet Bill Hicks anyway. I’d try too hard and sound like a tosser. Everyone would.

Crew: Don’t be scared, I know Bill he’s great, you’ll like him.

Steve: Crew, settle down, I DO like Bill Hicks, it’s not a question of me not liking him.

Crew: It’s about him not liking you?

Steve: Be fair Crew he's a ghost. And you’re going to fill the room with the smoke from those shitty cheap fags. It’s not normal and it’s not healthy.

Crew: with childlike enthusiasm But we have to save the world again Steve.

Steve cracks a smile and shakes his head.

Steve: Ok let’s get this thing started.

They quickly tear open the packets of cigarettes, creating a huge pile of 100 fags. They arrange them in a circle around the middle of the room like incense sticks and they light them creating a thick smoky atmosphere. The curtains are drawn and the flat darkened except for a deliberate delicate  sliver of light which glimmers subtly into the middle of the room.

Crew: Bill are you there?

There is sudden movement from within the rising cigarette smoke and a contrast between the light infused cigarette smoke and the darkness of the room, there is the fleeting suggestion of a long black jacket and a black cowboy hat whisking in the smoke.

Bill Hicks:  a vibration stirs within the cigarette smoke like a small whirlwind and Bill Hicks' voice is heard I see you got the cheap brand.

Crew: Hey they’re not that bad. How can you even taste the difference anymore?

Bill Hicks: Well you’re going to need to bust open that piggy bank of yours wide open because I’ve got Jim Morrison here and he needs a drink.

Steve: Jim Morrison?

Bill Hicks:  Yeah. You’re gonna need to make a little sacrifice if you wanna see ol’ Jim perform. Can you get Jim Beam on this island? Audibly talking to someone Hey Jim? You want Jim Beam? Listening to the unheard voice of the ghost of Jim Morrison Scotch huh? Single Malt, listening you prefer something peaty, I godit Jim. Ok. Now addressing Steve and Crew. Single Malt. Peaty. You know what that shit means?

Steve: I do. I’ll find a bottle of something.

Bill Hicks: listening to Jim 10. You want 10 bottles Jim?

Steve: 10? Jesus it’ll cost me a fortune.

Bill Hicks:  What do you expect it’s Morrison, and he hasn’t had a drink in a long time.

Steve: Blimey, this is going to cost a fortune. You said he hasn’t had a drink in a long time, he won’t want much.

Bill Hicks: I’m afraid not guys. I’ve got bad news for you, he needs at least 7 litres of fine spirit to fully manifest his own spirit. He’s a big star what can I say? He always had a big rider did Jim. Get the Scotch and fill up a large bucket. Add some ice but you must put the bucket of Scotch under the light of a full moon, otherwise he won’t have the power to manifest.

Steve: 7 Litres of best Single Malt? That ought to be enough power for anyone to manifest!

Bill Hicks: He needs the light. Just like we all do. Even you. Ask Crew he knows all about it since his psychedelic poisoning experience at Felchester abbey.

Crew: He’s right. I have seen the Light.

Steve: So you’re a Christian again?

Crew: More than that.

Steve: What do you mean? A Zen Budhhist? You don’t look much like one, though you have shaved your bonce but that Napalm Death hoodie isn’t very Zen.

Crew: Not that either. I have seen God myself so I am like Jesus.

Steve: Dude, you’re nothing like Jesus.

There’s a disturbance in the smoke and Bill Hicks is heard laughing a raspy coughers laugh.

Crew: Hey Bill stop laughing at me. I could do miracles too like Jesus if you only believed in me.

Steve: Believe in you? I do believe in you, I believe I know you to be a goofy chancer who smokes too much dope and that you do disgusting Liver cleanses all the time. Jesus wouldn’t have hot rock burns on his sweatpants.

Crew: That’s just it, you think you know me just from outside appearances but you don’t know what’s inside me now.

Steve: Get outta here. I know what’s inside you. Too much THC. Addressing the Bill Hicks smoke Have a word Bill, where’s he getting all this stuff from? Is he possessed by some leftover ghost from padeo Jimmy’s party?

Crew: laughing triumphantly They accused Jesus of being possessed by a devil. And he answered them saying ‘a house divided against itself cannot stand.’

Bill Hicks: No Steve, Crew knows all about the light, sometimes after he talks to me outside the gate he opens them and walks in. But he never remembers that. Noone does.

Crew: excited Really? You see me walk into heaven just like that?

Bill Hicks: Well not exactly just like that. You start to change. You lose what Steve lovingly calls the goofy aspect of your character and your light shifts to a higher frequency, then you go through.

Crew: How come I only remember talking to you then?

Bill Hicks: Because there is no physical part of you that can record the experience, your consciousness has completely departed from your body. You’re operating on Delta waves, these are generated inside the electron core and create a singularity in the magnetic field which effectively leaves 3d and all 3d reality behind. Including me. Because I smoke too much starts laughing gleefully but is overtaken by coughs which become stronger and more pronounced and generates a very strong turbulence in the smoke My power in this world is fading, I must leave now. Don’t forget, give Jim Morrison a drink under the light of a full moon.

Crew: Will do Bill. Ciao for now.

And the smoky ghost of Bill Hicks disappears.

Steve: What are we going to do with all these lit fags?

Crew: I dunno, you can have one if you want. Why not try two? Have you ever smoked three fags at once. Crew is getting excited Let’s do that thing they used to do and smoke a big faggy fan of 10 at once?

Steve: A big faggy fan is that what you want? You dirty boy.

Crew: Why’s it dirty?

Steve: Because they’re gross and I don’t want to smoke one let alone ten.

Crew makes a fan of lit cigarettes and smoke them for comic effect. He takes a big draw and promptly faints.

Steve: Jesus!  

He quickly takes the lit cigarettes out of Crew’s right hand. As he is busy stubbing them out Crew returns to consciousness.

Crew: Oh my God you won’t believe me. When I passed out from the smoke I passed INTO the smoke and Jim was there.

Steve: Did you see Jim?

Crew: No, he wasn’t with Jim. Weirdly he was with John Logie Baird. I overheard them talking.

Steve: How did you know it was John Logie Baird, do you know what he looks like?

Crew:  He was a young Scottish man with glasses. I don’t know how but I instantly knew it was John Logie Baird. I heard him saying to Bill ‘we should never attempt to create this machine on Earth. It isn’t ready.” And Jim trying to reassure Logie that the machine will be destroyed completely after the period of its use or something. But I knew that I was meant to make that fag fan and smoke myself unconscious, it’s weird Steve how somehow the whole universe already knows what you’re going to do and has already set the next scene up for you. I feel like part of me is still there Steve. When I close my eyes I see a misty light and I sense the other world for a moment. Wait I can hear a message. He closes his eyes We’re going to have to find John Hampton somehow. He has a useful university friend apparently.

Steve: What is it with him and his university friends. How come he has all the right friends we all need, what kind of person has magic friends like that?

Crew: John Hampton is the kind of person like that. Anyway, like  already explained, the universe already knows what you’re going to do and going to become, so it sets up everything for you for when you need it.

Steve: But this is happening now, and it was over 20 years ago that John Hampton went to Queen Mary’s. How can the future create the past. How can he know that he will need to know these people in the future so get to know them in the past. The future can’t change the past.

Crew: No, there is no future and past in the way reality is created. It is all instantaneous except we experience the entirety of the life experience slice by slice, second by second, so we order it from beginning to end with time but every life experience is a 4d phenomenon outside of time. So past and future merge. It’s like someone dealing a blind royal flush to someone, one card at a time. You take the queen of hearts and wonder what will happen next. It is the Ace of hearts. You congratulate yourself on having two high ranking cards of the same suit. Perhaps you recognise this as a winning Pontoon hand, but you are given yet another card, the King of Hearts, then the Jack. Now when all your cards have been dealt out to you you understand the meaning of your life. This is what will happen to us all when we pass from this world. We see the vastly complicated hand of cards we have been played instead of just the individual cards which prevents you from seeing what the final meaning is behind all the cards, the last card will unlock the key and show you the absolute entirety of your life as a single phenomenon.

Steve: What your whole life is just a single phenomenon? How can that work I can’t get my head around it.

Crew: Closing his eyes and seeking the answer It’s like when people say their whole life flashed before their eyes when they’ve had a near death experience or something. In that moment they see their cards all laid out. THE phenomenon of their life in one single instant. How could you see your whole life flash before your eyes as they say, in an instant, if it were not reduced to some kind of 4d manifestation outside of time. 

Steve: Ok Crew, since you know it all now apparently, where is God? Can he help us?

Crew: God is sort of behind you. Well, at an angle of 90 degrees to the 3rd dimension. Behind you but more behind you than you can see behind. If you know what I mean.

Steve: flatly No I don’t.

Crew: Steve why are you being such hard work with all this, I need you to believe in me remember.

Steve: relenting Oh Crew, it’s just not fair, why do you get to be the one who gets enlightened and suddenly has all the answers? It’s ridiculous to see you so elevated in position.

Crew: Hey be fair, I had to nearly die of Jimson weed poisoning to get here.

Steve: I suppose so. I guess you earned it. But if there are drugs this time, then I want to try them first.

Crew: So that means you’re in then?

Steve: Of course I’m in. What else am I going to do?

Crew: I tell you what else you can do, make me a nice bacon sandwich with some beans on the side and a nice cup of tea, and I’ll roll us a pre-bacon and beans 6 skin cone of Old Toby.

Steve: Woah, that’ll be phat. I’ll get the kettle on.

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