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 Act 5 Scene 9 What is it with him and that knife?

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PostSubject: Act 5 Scene 9 What is it with him and that knife?    Tue Nov 17, 2015 4:00 am

Act 5 Scene 9


They enter the underground cave entrance at the outskirts of Hellwood and cross the river Styx to enter the inner sanctum where Mr Hands is stood in front of Cecilia.

Mr Hands is holding the sacrificial knife.

Steve: What is it with him and that knife?

Crew: Y’know this is all a bit of a shame really.

Steve: Oh? Y’think?

Crew: Well, I had plans Steve. Such plans.

Steve: still restrained, turns slightly to Crew What plans Crew?

Crew: Internet plans Steve. The internet is the future y’know. I figured it out!

Docs looks quizzically and is about to speak when Steve subtly shakes his head to silence him.

Crew: I had such a great idea. Would have made a fortune, couldn’t fail. Advertising revenue, book sales, links to funny cat videos. Everything!

Steve: taking Crew seriously for once and looking intently and almost tenderly into his eyes What was your idea Andrew?

Crew: You want to know?

Steve: for once, sincerely and without a trace of irony Yes. Might as well see what we’re going to miss out on.

Crew: Well, slowly and deliberately, it was this. It couldn’t fail. I thought about it, planed it, draw diagrams and schematics. This was going to make us millionaires Steve, because you’re my best friend. I ‘d share it all with you of course. You’re all I’ve got. Steve appears to be about to cry It’s this and it’s so simple, but the best ideas always are. Are you listening? Here it is he stops himself suddenly and looks around furtively to check no one else is listening: A toilet themed social-media chat-zone.

Steve: closes his eyes almost as if in pain, meditates for a few seconds to calm himself and with supreme self-control What do you mean ‘toilet themed’ Crew?

Crew: The main cyber foyer for current posts would be the ‘fresh-up’ zone. Right? Everything’s fresh because ‘fresh’ is cool right?

Steve: resigned to the utter disappointment it WAS in the 80’s, carry on.

Crew: Exactly! So along with the fresh-chat zone with have private chat boudoirs where people can go who want to be special, it’s open to all. People can flirt, post videos of themselves and pictures. Can you believe that? pictures?

Steve gives Crew a funny look then he looks at Docs who gives him a gesture of dismissal.

Crew: Then it gets interesting because there’s an ‘on the bog’ zone, which is humour and ribaldry. Maybe mates hanging out, but you wouldn’t take your girlfriend there gives Docs a wink Below this is ‘the u-bend’ which is like a sort of pre-rant room zone. Then there is ‘down the pan’ the real rant room zone. Then there’s the sewer pipe which is a post-rant room zone. Now this is the interesting ‘random’ element to it which really sets this place apart: Occasionally some floaters will appear which were previously deleted threads and posts which have mysteriously bobbed back up to the surface. Crew starts laughing Do you get it?

Steve: with a pained expression Yes.

Crew: They appear in the Freshening up zone in a special brown font. Laughing again One time I had planned to claim there was a plumbing emergency and say that the pipes had overflowed and some of the old deleted posts, which are never deleted but just slowly making their way down the forum pipes. Clever huh? Steve says NO but Crew doesn’t hear him. Imagine that! Suddenly there are all sorts of brown floater posts everywhere laughing even in the flirting boudoirs and the fresh-zone and I had hooked up with a software engineer who said he could code a logarithm…. Crew suddenly burst into a fresh high-pitched frenzy of laughter which surprises Steve and Docs Oh My God! Logarithm… Log…. It’s meant to be! Even the puns are falling into place!

Cowled occultist: Sharply irritated What are you lot laughing at?

Steve: with his head in his hands I’ve no idea mate!

Docs: Crew?

Crew: as if preparing to answer questions on Dragon’s Den Yes.

Docs: Are you still suffering the effects of that poison?

Crew: I don’t think so. Why do you ask?

Steve: Andy mate, take a look around. We’re fucked! We’ve gone from our cosy flat, and now we’re in the middle of nowhere with the creepiest people in the world, the girl we thought we were going to save who saved us, well we’ve let her down. We’re in the shit and we could be killed at any time. How do you carry on churning all this inane crap out? How do you did it mate? Because I don’t feel like laughing at shitty puns about shit and ….. he stops himself suddenly I can’t continue… I’m literally too fucked up and hopeless to berate you anymore. Maybe you can turn this around somehow Crew, but I’m losing faith mate. I think the party’s over. Holds up his hand for a handshake. I’m gonna say goodbye now guys because I don’t know what’s gonna happen next and I have no reason to imagine it will be good.

Steve just looks at Crew with a pitying wan smile.

Steve: Why are you talking such absolute shite?

Crew: I dunno. Because I’m scared I guess.

Steve: nods his head Well ok, but couldn’t you ramble on about something more interesting, like how we get out of here?

Mr Hands: Can you idiots just shut up for a minute. The bumbling ineptitude thing is starting to wear thin and it’s making me want to do something psychotic like shoving my nice sharp knife between your ribs and making a large opening into your slimy entrails. Which I will then fuck.

Cecilia: People like you ought to have it chopped off.

Mr Hands: My dear Miss Green, I’m sorry I can’t give you my own special personal attention, I rather have my hands full with these street-monkeys, but you can rest assured that when I have finally dealt with these urchins I will be in a position to give you becoming lurid the full extent of my attention.

Cecilia: I’ll chop it off myself if I get the chance.

Mr Hands: I’m disappointed that you have reverted to this common sort of scullery talk Cecilia, you will soon start to regret your lack of character and foul mouth in this world and the next.

They come up to the edge underground of an underground lake with a series of gondolas with carved demonic heads.

Mr Hands quickly produces a knife and brandishes it at Cecilia.

Mr Hands: The ferryman must be paid by the virgin’s blood.

Cecilia: How do you know I’m a virgin?

Mr Hands: Why do you think the school has its name dummy. They’re all virgins, otherwise we wouldn’t have them, at least they are within the first couple of months or so of enrolment, once they’re a settled in. It’s all very discretely managed.

Cecilia: You odious scumbag.

Mr Hands: Enough back chat child, it’s time for you to make a sacrifice to the lady in the lake, how timely our arrival here just as you are becoming so very tiresome and judgemental, I never had you down as a prejudiced person you know, he stabs at Cecilia’s neck with his knife and his arm is immediately arrested by John Hampton who has released himself. Mr Hands hand is roughly shaken by John Hampton until he drops the knife.

Mr Hands: languidly My dear friend, you really must stop interfering you know.

John Hampton: I’m not going to let you harm the child.

Mr Hands: It’s not really your decision to make I’m afraid. As they are speaking the rest of the company are coming up just behind them.

Crew: What do we do?

John Hampton: Gets into a boat and but finds no oars or any way of moving the boat. There’s no way to make the boats work. Swim!

They jump into the water and start to swim but they soon find themselves flounding and encountering underwater obstacles. After a moment of floundering John Hampton realizes something and stands up.

John Hampton: Lads, it’ only four inches deep. Change of plan. RUN!

They get up and run across the shallow lake, splashing up water as they cross.

Crew: Blimey what a swiz this place is.

Steve: Oh you think? Not living up to expectations is it?

They get across and soon found that they have set foot upon an island covered with water on all sides with only the dim recesses of the carved stone cave walls lit by flickering ceremonial torch light.

There is a great peal of laughter from the other side of the water.

Mr Hands: Where will you go now my lovely? I wonder if I will ever see you again. Starts laughing even louder. What a clever escape that was! You really escaped my clutches, how will my men and I get you now, what with you being standed on an island covered with water and me and all my men here and our lovely boats. Oh wait! I have an idea. Hmm, holds up his hands ok , say I’m crazy here but what about if we take our special boats and come and get you, such as you are? Fve people who have got nowhere else to run to. Hmm, yes I think it might work. As they board the boats Mr Hands takes out a remote control and starts to use it Here we come my friends, it seems your escape was far from foolproof after-all.

As the boats silently move toward them under electrical power Mr Hands taunts them.

Mr Hands: You see I wanted you all in your special place. On your marks, look there’s a little stone pillar for all of you, that’s where you must stand for the next bit.

Steve: Next bit? What are you talking about?

Mr Hands: The last bit. It’s nearly time. You’re meant to be here. Look, we even have five minutes to get you ready and prepared and everything will turn out swimmingly. Isn’t that refreshing for a change in this world of petty frustration and inconvenience? The odd well performed ritual can work itself out quite nicely. It’s almost as if these things are arranged for our convenience. Isn’t the universe a marvelous place?

Steve: shouting across to them from the island It would be if you weren’t in it.

Mr Hands: Anyway, I think it’s about time for your surprise ending.

With that the roof of the cave suddenly starts to rumble.

Crew: Wow, it’s an earthquake. And act of God to save us! We can escape during all the confusion and chaos.

The movement increases and a sudden roar of machinery and huge steel cogs clicking into place and moving enormous loads.

Steve: It’s not an earthquake, it’s even more incredible. Look!

They all look up at the roof of the cave which is rapidly receding away from them higher and higher until suddenly five openings appear in the cave roof and five shafts of red light are beamed down.

Steve: What is this?

Crew: Aliens!

Mr Hands: Yes. For once the silly oaf is right about something. It IS aliens.

Crew: Really?

Mr Hands: Of course, these are extraterrestrial travelers newly arrived after crossing countless trillions of miles of space. And you’re going to let them steal your body.

Steve: So they’re not friendly? What a surprise.

Mr Hands: It’s not a question of ‘friendly’, it’s business, they want a body and we can provide them, it’s a long standing arrangement, it’s what we do. We channel spirits and they guide us, occasionally, on a special night such as this we give these beings the gift of human life. It’s nothing new, in fact the world is full of such people. And tonight is one of the special nights on which such people are born, isn’t that special?

Mr Hands: Could you stand by the pillars so they can get at you please?

Steve: You’re joking aren’t you? There’s no way I’m going over to that rock so that alien red light thingy can get into me like an old car.

Crew: Yeah, I mean do you think we’re stupid or something?

Mr Hands: Oh yes, I most certainly do. Well, if Mohammed won’t go to the mountain the mountain will have to jolly well come to Mohammed won’t it?

Mr Hands takes another remote control.

Mr Hands: As you can see I have rather a thing about remote controlling things. Though I think it’s all about the control aspect for me personally. Mr Hands manipulates the remote control so that the red lights move in on and them. I shall let you in on the secret: motorized bearings in the lenses used to augment the star light. I can make it move anywhere, this will be fun.

What follows is Mr Hands using his remote control to chase the company around the small island. Gradually they become weary and some stumble and Hands manages to imprint the red light on them all and they become quiet. Cecilia is alone for a moment and calls out to the others but they do not answer her since they are possessed, they just look at her, finally she falls over and suddenly Mr Hands has positioned the star light over her and suddenly she becomes quiet..

Mr Hands: Ah, now isn’t that better? Everyone’s calmed down at last and finally I will be able to consummate the ritual with the Goddess.

Mr Hands leaves his boat and embarks the island.

He walks over to John Hampton.

Mr Hands: Welcome to Earth. Our brotherhood will be honored to be your private guides and you shall receive the very best first class experience of Earth.

The Alien consciousness inhabiting John: Thank you. I am very much looking forward to the experiencing some of the things I saw in the brochure. Specifically the thing called the ‘mashed potatoes’ and ‘sand’. Do you have any sand? I really want to touch it. See if it’s like they say in the brochure: made of tiny stones. We don’t have any tiny stones on planet Allbaran. Only really big ones. I just can’t imagine tiny stones. So tiny you can’t see they’re stones anymore unless you look really close.

Mr Hands: Yes of course, the ‘tiny stones’ you shall have as many as you wish all part of the full VIP service.

The Alien consciousness inhabiting John: Oh good. The tiny stones, the mashed potatoes. And of course the blow jobs. We want lots of blowjobs, as well as all the tiny stones.

Mr Hands: Of course sir, it is our speciality. We have so many humans in our possession to pleasure you in any way you see fit.

The Alien consciousness inhabiting John: Oh that’s good. In the brochures we saw pictures of humans with grey hair.

Mr Hands: Yes, they are older in years and as a result their hair becomes grey.

The Alien consciousness inhabiting John: Yes, we really fancy the grey topped ones.

Mr Hands: Well it takes all sorts.

Mr Hands walks over to Cecilia:

Mr Hands: Greetings.

The alien consciousness inhabiting Ceclia: Thankyou.

Mr Hands: What is your attitude to grey hair? Mr Hands runs his hands through his own rapidly thinning grey head of hair.

The alien consciousness inhabiting Ceclia: All our people highly praise this grey colour.

Mr Hands: Well isn't that a stroke of luck for a dirty old man!

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